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Never let it be said, gentle reader, that we are less than 100% committed to providing you with a disturbingly comprehensive assessment of Taipei's many fine eating establishments. To get the lowdown on the food available to Taipei's hospital inpatients, Duncan contracted appendicitis, and then sent a series of increasingly dire and desperate messages to Avalon, documenting his rapid physical and mental decline.
Never let it be said, gentle reader, that we are less than 100% committed to providing you with a disturbingly comprehensive assessment of Taipei's many fine eating establishments. To get the lowdown on the food available to Taipei's hospital inpatients, Duncan contracted appendicitis, and then sent a series of increasingly dire and desperate messages to Avalon, documenting his rapid physical and mental decline.
Must...live tweet...my own...death...
In a final act of defiance against his host's plans to leave Taiwan, Duncan's appendix ruptured, thereby allowing it to stay in the country forever as a series of cryosection slides. Breakups are oft painful, and this divorce was no exception - Duncan's primordial howls of pain could only be silenced through the delivery of copious amounts of morphine. "No wonder the British East India Company had so many satisfied customers in Taiwan," droned Duncan, nationalism (and opiates) filling his remaining organs. "Everyone likes effete drug-dealing pirates."
There's nothing quite like bowel surgery for working up an appetite
Lost in a haze of morphine and deeply inappropriate jokes, Duncan thought back to Food Critique 101...
FADE IN:
INT. LECTURE HALL.
DUNCAN, a young man of about twenty years, is sat toward the back of the lecture hall, and using this vantage point to stare gormlessly into space. Sat next to him is AVALON, an anachronistic and anatopic middle school student.
AVALON:
Christ, you're old.
DUNCAN:
[noticing her for the first time]
Wait, how and why and when are you here? This doesn't make sense on any level...
[he trails off as the lecture begins]
LECTURER:
Welcome to Food Critique 101. Before we make a start, I really need to ensure that all of you on this course can actually eat food - we had some unpleasant accidents in previous years...
AVALON:
[triggered]
DUNCAN:
[interjecting]
I thought this was supposed to be a safe space for everyone!
FADE OUT:
Duncan regained consciousness, his eyes fixed on the tray of congee and vegetables on the table next to the bed opposite his. It would be four more days before solid matter would pass his tonsils, a fact as unpleasant as this sentence sounds.
AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✦
Not sure where to start, to be honest. Perhaps the part where fluid drainage after surgery caused my meat and two veg to swell up like overfilled water balloons and I had to tearfully explain the situation? They didn't mention that in the brochure.
SNUGGLINESS: ✦✧✧
The adjustable hospital bed almost made up for the pain, the lack of privacy, and the long nights. Almost.
DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦
One of the few places in town you can get the opiates.
PRETEN$ION: [with health insurance] ✦✧✧ [without health insurance] ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦
The financial cost was dwarfed by the emotional cost.
THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✧✧
The morphine dreams more than made up for four days on a drip followed by food blander than Duncan's comic patter.
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