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QUIP-TAIN AMERICA VERSUS IRONY MAN
The almost immediately outdated pop culture reference edition
CIVIL WAR
As part of Avalon's grand plan to start reviewing everything she sees (her own reflection, dreams, strangers' butts/bums), our bumbling protagonists bumbled in prosaic agony into one of the many, many Sushi Express outlets dotted around the planet. In a desperate attempt to motoriz/se a resolutely pedestrian review of a devoutly skateboarding establishment, our dear hosts will compete for your affections and/or to the death.
--- Round One ---
FIGHT!
Stationary cup of tea vs. bowl of miso soup is a metaphor for our fighting styles.
Mandarin Proficiency
"Well Dave, I think this outcome is pretty cut-and-dried. Duncan's no threat to the champ."
"You're right Davetwo, we wouldn't even see this kind of matchup outside of today's exhibition fight. You got to hand it to the kid though, I have never seen anyone get humiliated so badly so many times without quitting or learning how to dodge a question. You got to admit, that's special."
"A special type of stupid perhaps, Dave."
"Probably a cultural thing, Davetwo. I know that 1776 happened and, for better or worse, 'winning' is okay now, but we just can't do that in the UK. Tall poppies and whatnot cheerio pip pip wink wink eggy in a basket."
"No comment, Dave, no comment... Wait, here comes the waitress! She's asking if they want miso soup, and Avalon is relaying the question to Duncan."
"No surprises there Davetwo, this will be over in a few minutes."
"Duncan's already substituted a second tone for a third tone, Dave. Some customers are leaving, they think it's all over..."
"It is now, Davetwo! Avalon was distracted by Duncan's incompetence and has repeated his tonal mistake!"
...DOUBLE KNOCKOUT!!
--- Round Two ---
FIGHT!
FUN FACT! Duncan has this image tattoo'd on his chest.
Anecdotes
"This is more like it, Dave! If both competitors are on top form, this should be a clash of the titans."
"In that one of them eats children, and the other has his appendix eaten on a daily basis?"
"To be honest, Dave, I have a really small reference pool. I just repeat things I hear. Cultural osmosis, you know?"
"No worries, Davetwo. And speaking of small reference pools, something something WWII, something something YouTube, something something Game of Thrones, something something fireflies?"
"Man, I love that song."
TECHNICAL KNOCKOUT --
AVALON WINS, BY POPULAR DEMAND!
AVALON WINS, BY POPULAR DEMAND!
--- Round Three ---
FIGHT!
FIGHT!
omg...
...What the feck is this?
"Well Dave, it looks like the menu has not been updated in figuratively forever [approximately literally 18 months], in preparation for the final round today's triathlon of trivialities."
"Exciting stuff, Dave. Avalon has ordered Duncan to take the mystery sushi off the conveyor belt for inspection."
"And Duncan is tasting it now... His brow furrows as he desperately tries to taste without taste buds."
"Won't be too long before all of Duncan's senses fail him, and he's trapped with his own thoughts forever."
"That's a sobering thought, Davetwo. I don't know where I'd be without my ability to sense gravity."
"The mesosphere by now I'd imagine, Dave."
"Going to have to stop you there, Davetwo-- Avalon has also failed to place the sushi by taste, looks like another double knockout..."
"They're both in the clear! A more recent menu has swung around on the conveyor belt at the last second! Turns out the Japanese for 'pesto' is 'pesuto'. What a world we live in."
DRAW!
AVALON WINS
FINISH HIM!
[Duncan is mocked to death]
AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧
The conveyor belt was overflowing with plates resting precariously atop one another, like a long line of food-bearing dominoes, just waiting to topple onto Duncan's lap. There was almost the sense that the staff were eager to finish work as quickly as possible, an attitude unknown to industrious types like our heroes. Said heroes are generously only adding one star, mainly because their hopes were not high anyway.
SNUGGLINESS: ✦✧✧
Well, again, it's kaiten sushi--one does not go for the snuggles. (This did not stop Duncan from trying.)
DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✧✧
As far as Dunka-dunks can tell (about five yards in good light), the conveyor belt setup at Sushi Express has not substantially diverged from the original setup introduced in the 1950's. Let him know when he can order stuff on a wall-mounted iPad and have it delivered on a little turbo-charged boat.
PRETEN$ION: ✦✧✧
There is a saying about getting what you pay for.
THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✧
...One could do worse (mesospheric praise).
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