Beer & Cheese Social House

台北市信義區基隆路二段117號

02 2737 1983

[In an last-ditch attempt to boost flagging readership, once popular food blog "Right Along Taipei" has been rebranded as an online magazine for the profitable "children from the ages of three to 23" demographic. The authors thank you for your continued support, and hope you all enjoy the new format.]

RiGH( t | ALoNG TaIPei

"WOW!" is what I said, when Avalon forcibly threw her laptop into my lap (forever ending my career as a professional sexer/sexee) to show me the latest issue of "Right Along Taipei"--we've truly outdone ourselves this time with the sheer amount of outrageous content!!!!! Depart this plane of men with a smile on by taking part in our new drinking game, learn some fun facts about us with which to impress your social worker, participate in our latest greatest bestest contest, and maybe even read a review if I remember to write it! More fun than a bag of kumquats in an ultracentrifuge! 

XOXOXOXOXDXDXDXD
The Editors (Az and D-bag) 

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fun facts!

Duncan's most outrageous act of heresy: 
Duncan sometimes pretends to part automatic sliding doors like a sexier Moses.

Avalon's most outrageous act of heresy: 
Avalon was responsible for the infamous "Avalon" translation of the Bible, in which every proper noun was translated as "Avalon".

"Drink Yourself Cool" - The Game

Ever wished that you could be as cool as an Avalon, or failing that, as cool as a Duncan? Unfortunately, this is not possible, as the universe is a cruel and uncaring place. 
BUT! 
Now you can come close, without the need for costly and inconvenient hallucinogens and/or emotional disorders! Join our hosts in their beer and cheese adventure by drinking along at home whenever one of the following happens!

Avalon orders a Watermelon Dorado IPA:                        

drink yourself happy

Duncan orders a Road Warrior IPA:                                     

drink yourself hilarious

Avalon orders a pesto and cheddar cheese grilled sandwich:

drink until you start crying with joy at the sheer beauty of this sandwich

Duncan orders a Dutch blue cheese grilled sandwich:

stop drinking you limey bastard, and enjoy this amazing sandwich and pickle      

Avalon says something ironically racist:      

take a sip for everyone in the room who has never heard of Poe's Law

Duncan says something racistly racist:       

drink until suitably chastised 

The barman makes a joke:                      

take a shot for every word Duncan failed to catch

Avalon decides to go hiking:                     

drink until you can no longer feel your appendectomy scar

fun facts!

Avalon is unable to survive the vacuum of space without socks.

Duncan knows π to 3.141? decimal places.

CONTEST-ICULAR CANCER

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to look upon Duncan in the unforgiving light of day? Or ask Avalon to sign your nipples? Well, wonder no longer, troglodyte reader, for we are finally giving you the chance to have all of your illusions and expectations dashed upon the jagged rocks of reality! One lucky basement dweller will get to view Avalon and/or Duncan (or possibly their stunt doubles) from behind a bullet-proof window for a full EIGHT minutes! All you need to do is correctly answer the following question to enter the draw:

Q: Avalon is to Duncan, as Sherlock Holmes is to:

1. John Watson 

2. James Moriarty

3. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
4. Cocaine

TERMS AND CONDITIONS:

1. Contest submissions (to be addressed to "MRT guy, Taiwan") will be accepted from now until the heat death of the universe. A decision will be made after this date. Only one entry per contestant, but we're probably not going to check, so go nuts.

2. Winners must provide ALL of the following the day of the visit:

               - Jiro Wang in a sexy maid costume;¹

               - Barbiturate-flavo(u)red ice cream;
               - One Olympic-sized swimming pool containing the 
                  golden ratio of chlorinated water to other people's urine

3. The authors' decision is final. This is not a fucking democracy, christ. 

TROUVER LES DIFFÉRENCES

Prove to your father that you are not a failure by finding all five differences between the two photos above! The answers are buried at the bottom of this page, right next to your father's moribund love and expectations.

fun facts!

Avalon is, in actual fact, a swarm of 8000 bees.

Duncan is invisible to ghosts, unless he is lightly coated with asbestos.

TROUVER LES DIFFÉRENCES - 
Turn your phone/laptop/monitor upside down to read the answers!

uɐıןɐɹʇsn∀ ʍou sı ǝuoʎɹǝʌǝ puɐ ƃuıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ (ϛ

ʇuɐuƃǝɹd ʍou sı ןooʇs s,uɐɔunp (ㄣ

ןןǝɔ-ʎq-ןןǝɔ 'pǝɔɐןdǝɹ uǝǝq ǝʌɐɥ 'ɹǝpɐǝɹ ǝɥʇ noʎ (Ɛ

ǝpısuı pɐǝp sı uoןɐʌɐ (ᄅ

ɹɐǝu sʍɐɹp sןnos ɟo ɹǝdɐǝɹ ǝɥʇ (Ɩ

:oʇoɥd ɯoʇʇoq ǝɥʇ uI

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✧✧

Duncan was in his natural habitat, and so any awkwardness was replaced with sleek majesty as he navigated the pub with aplomb.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧

Not entirely the fault of the lovely staff or the presumably lovely proprietors, but the viking-themed party upstairs (especially the dude who got hold of a microphone and refused to let go, like a drunk Heimdall at Valhalla's weekly karaoke night) made our heroes' visit a bit of a trial. Particularly as both Avalon and Duncan have painful genetic memories of having their homelands pillaged and torched by Scandinavians.  

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

There is an enormous selection of delightful IPAs, which perfectly compliment the sandwiches on offer.  

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✧   

Not bad for the wonderful food and environment.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

Lush. Duncan is almost tempted to replace his glistening eightpack with a beer and cheese belly.

1. Someone, at some time, once said that we are the mean average of the five people we spend the most time with. Duncan, since becoming 80% Avalon, 20% pigeon, really wants to infect Jiro Wang with psittacosis. 

Tino's Pizza

台北市信義區松高路11號 信義誠品B2

02 8789 2189

Aquiver with anticipation of getting their socks rocked by an afternoon viewing of The Jungle Book in 4DX (that is FOUR DIMENSIONS, mind you: x-, y-, z- and "fuck yeah"), our heroes went to while away the lunch hours at the first place they found when they couldn't find the first place they had been planning on finding but had not found.

The instant Avalon spied "peanut butter fries" on the menu, she knew that she was destined--through the power of her order--to bring them into the four dimensions and INTO HER BELLY. She was not disappointed! Neither was Duncan! As part of a "long-con" plan to compile the various aspects of Avalon's identity, murder her, then take her place as Grand Vizier of Americaland, he too is gradually becoming a peanut butter addict. Avalon is pleased. She has secret plans of her own.

Both of them are "playing it cool" for the moment though, so they shared a large order of duck pizza in a totally inconspicuous way, completely casually, like any two ordinary people on a mildly pleasant lunch date might do. Duncan gestured at the pizza as if to say, "My, what a comfortingly conventional food item! It clearly has no alterior motives, and isn't that a coincidence, because neither do I, especially not towards you."

The pizza looked pretty delicious when it arrived at the table, having achieved almost every color of the rainbow except for blue and violet and possibly indigo (if you count indigo). But alas! This pizza was all style and no substance, and actually quite bland.

Duncan was overwhelmed with disappointment. 

It's okay though, he got better. 

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✧✧

The staff were too busy to be weird to us.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✧✧

It's in a mall food court, so you get what you get I guess.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✧

The pizza is nothing new but praises be to the genius who decided to put peanut butter on french fries!!! However, our heroes discovered later that day that Ireland's Potato offers this heavenly manna as well, so maybe it's not as unique as all that.

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✧ 

It wasn't too terribly expensive, really.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✧

That bland sham of a pizza is worth one star, but, again, the fries saved it.

Maryjane Pizza

台北市大安區溫州街89號

02 2369 5333

SUPERB MERRIMENT QUIZ EDITION

Do not linger here. 

You fool, it is too late; he already knows your name.

Welcome friends, to another enchanting episode of "Right Along Taipei", Taiwan's third favurite (sic) English-language nonsensical food blog. As a means of thanking all three of our readers, we have included a special quiz in this review. Please don't forget to leave your answers in the comments, where somebody, some day, may give a shit.

Do not look behind you.

Our heroes' brief visit to a dilapidated insect electrophysiology lab ended in horror as a chance encounter with a micropipette puller triggered Duncan's repressed memories of his postgraduate career. Maddened with grief, Duncan retreated into the woods, pursued by Avalon and a team of experienced trackers. Only two people left the wood that night. They decided to go have pizza.

Q1: How do you spell entomology?

A: Etymology  

B: Brian  

See: Ee…en…tee…em…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, MY APPENDIX    

  The D: Yes, please  

Keep the lights on.

Avalon ordered the restaurant's signature pizza, while Duncan ordered a smoked salmon pizza. The consensus was that Maryjane's thin crust pizzas are delightful (the smoked salmon, in particular), but that the more traditional style served up at Zoca is preferable (albeit more expensive). Moreover, Duncan was left feeling hungry later (this was after finding himself stuck on a stationary bus in Nangang for twenty minutes as a flood wall was slowly moved across the street, but before he got home and realis/zed he no longer had his keys). 

Q2: How many light bulbs does it take to change Duncan?

1. Just one, if it loves him enough.  

2. None: he’s perfect just the way he is.

C. Two: one to cast light upon his sins, and one to lighten the path to redemption, HALLELUJAH  

5. Just one, if thrown with sufficient force.

Don't fall asleep.

The staff is/are¹ polite and friendly, and very committed to their menu puns and Dad jokes. Inspired by their example, Duncan has tried his hand at the venerable institution that is the 'yo mama' joke.²

Q3: Yo mama...

(壹) ...so fat that, when she went swimming, she was claimed as part of the inalienable territory of Vietnam, Taiwan, the Philippines, AND China?

(貳) ...so ugly that both the PRC and ROC deny they’re China when she tries to initiate “diplomatic” relations?

(參)...so stupid she thought the Cultural Revolution was a particularly refined Ferris wheel?

(肆) ...so old that Beijing claims she has been part of China since “ancient times”?

It's time to tot up your scores! For each "A" answer, gain 12 points. For each "B" answer, gain -3 points. For each "C" answer, lose π points. For each "D" answer, lose -∞ points.


Negative infinity to zero: Stalker much?
Zero to 107,438: You are usually content to remain in the background, but sometimes have an urge to be the centre/er of attention. Your favrite (sic) things in life include crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you, and spending a warm summer's afternoon enjoying a picnic with your loved ones. 
107,438 - <∞: Threesome?

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧

Given a two just for the menu descriptions.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧

A smidgen too noisy - Avalon had to be re-calibrated twice.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✧

Duncan wasn't even aware that chocolate pizzas existed. He sometimes hears sounds from outside the basement, but covers his ears until they stop.

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✧ 

The prices are more than reasonable. Reasonestble.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✧

Value for money [SEE ABOVE], but we definitely preferred Zoca. And our OCD compels us to give at least one restaurant a two for "taste". Forgive us, we know not what we do.

1. A small concession to our British readers and their loyalty to plural verb agreement.

2. Duncan would like to emphasis/ze that he loves all your mamas, and hopes to see them again soon.

KGB Kiwi Gourmet Burgers

台北市大安區師大路114巷5號

02 2363 6015

Having once again staunchly rejected Duncan's Modest Proposal to eat at a local kindergarten, Avalon and her funny-talking Sasquatch butler were forced to dine on less communicative sentients (walnuts and chickens, respectively) at Kiwi Gourmet Burgers.

  

Is he body popping? WTF is going on here?

American Gothic.

One of us pronounces this word in a funny way.¹


The eternal dilemma: protect my vital organs, or get an even tan?

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✧✧

Notwithstanding the presence of Duncan, the background levels of awkwardness were actually very low.  

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✦

"Well, the patio area is delightful with its cushioned seats, the staff are very low-key, and there's a great deal of space between tables inside - I'm going to give it full marks for snuggliness," lamented Duncan.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

It's a kiwi burger restaurant that sells excellent vegetarian burgers and various types of cheese burger and one burger with pineapple and beet(root) on and burger burger burger burger burger burger

PRETEN$$ION: ✦✦✧

burger burger burger

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

burger 

1. And by "this word," I mean "every word." And by "in a funny way," I mean "completely fucking wrong." And by "one of us," I mean "Duncan, obviously."