NCIS Sushi

台北市大安區忠孝東路四段216巷27弄4號

02 2721 6952

CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN FOODVENTURE 
- Part I -

1. You spot a wild Duncan on the MRT. He is as yet unaware of your presence. Do you--

A. Molest him quietly from behind (PROCEED TO CHOICE 2)

B. Run away and cry (END GAME, QUITE RACISTLY)

C. Watch him silently (PROCEED TO CHOICE 3)

2. Duncan responds with enthusiasm! A bold move on his part, since you just as well might have been a pickpocket, or some lonely auntie looking for love. Anyway! Where do you go for dinner?

A. American-style sushi (PROCEED TO CHOICE 4)

B. Japanese-style burgers (SKIP TO PART II)

C. bleep bloop [battery full] (PROCEED TO CHOICE 14)

3. Duncan proceeds up the escalator as you watch from below. Suddenly, the auntie standing behind him trips and falls forward, and you can only watch in horror as Duncan, mistaking her for you, moves to embrace her. The auntie's screams echo through the station, and Duncan's bows and plaintive cries of 'paiseh', recorded by a dozen phones, are not enough to save him from the wrath of the internet mob. The tendrils of the human flesh search engine swing into action, and Duncan is arrested and charged with sexual harassment the very next day. Duncan's tearful "confession" (possibly? It was incomprehensible in any language) and the ensuing media circus launch a thousand online discussions, and the internet court of public opinion finds him guilty of treason, sentence: death. You try to use your connections to have his sentence commuted to lifelong military service on Kinmen, but it is not enough; the crowd cheers as Duncan's head and shoulders part ways. You go home and start writing a script for a response video.    

SUCH IS LIFE IN GLORIOUS REPUBLIC OF CHINA

END GAME

4. You enter NCIS Sushi, and are greeted by the most bored waiter on the planet Earth. Instantly overwhelmed by proximity ennui, you stare bleakly at the menu. Do you--
A. Drown your existential sorrows in some fun bubbly sake (PROCEED TO CHOICE 5)
B. Compose a monograph on the human condition (SKIP TO L'ETRANGER BY ALBERT CAMUS)
C. Numb the pain of this pointless struggle with spicy edamame (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
D. End it all, slitting your throat from the inside with razor-sharp fried fish skin (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

5. Well, gee! This is not so bad, really, you think to yourself, downing several glasses in a row as Duncan opens up a conversation about World War II. He slowly escalates into foaming incoherence, until you can only make out the occasional noun such as "boat" or "Japan." You start picturing him in a variety of funny hats, wearing silly uniforms with dangly bits on the shoulders; in your mind's eye, War Re-enactment Duncan crouches in a foxhole and eats beans on toast. Time for the main dish!

A. Sushi topped with mushrooms watered with angel tears (PROCEED TO CHOICE 9)

B. This suspiciously inexpensive truffly sushi thing (PROCEED TO CHOICE 10)

6. You imagine the edamame beans to be little round green people all snuggled up together in pod-shaped sleeping bags, and you are become Godzirra, destroyer of dreams, ripping them from their happy twosomes and threesomes to satisfy your own selfish hunger. It's pretty good, but the pepper makes you cough.

A. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously (SKIP TO SOME LIGHT READING ON THE TOPIC OF SYNTAX)

B. Continue to tempt death with some razor-sharp fried fish skin (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

C. Eat the only other green things on the table (PROCEED TO CHOICE 13)

7. You totally die & r totally ded, but it is a happy death, cuz these fish bits were pretty tasty.

RIP your mouth.

END GAME

8. Something has changed. You have a nagging feeling that you shouldn't be here, that you have somehow transcended the laws of the physical universe. As Duncan drones on about nothing, you start to become aware of atoms continually joining and departing his increasingly vague corporeal form, by now a loose collection of molecules that sits shimmering before you. You realis/ze that nothing has changed, it was always thus. You can see the path of each atom through time, their origin and destination forming a single unbroken chain that snakes through the universe. Everything is preordained, effect leading naturally from cause. As you shed your physical shell, you are released from the burdens of emotion and thought, and are now free to dispassionately witness the continual death and rebirth of the universe. 
Duncan walks in and asks if you have Belgian buns in America.
THE END (IS AN ILLUSION)

9. With the bugle calls of the Heavenly Host echoing in your skull, you tentatively deliver a single piece of sushi to your mouth. All at once, you are struck with the sensation of God's own tongue being forced into your mouth, with scant concern for boundaries. The Creator's muscular taste organ pulsates with Pantheran power, and is yet as loving as a lamb with your lymphoid tissue. The whole experience leaves you quite flushed.

Time to advance the plot, such as it is! 

A. Glance to your right? (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)

B. Pay up and leave... This whole premise is getting pretty tired. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 12)

10. This one isn't bad, I guess? The cheese is nice, but there's a bit too much of it, now you come to think about it. And is it even cheese or some kind of cheese substitute? The whole experience is adequate. You look up and spy God drunkenly flirting with some woman at the next table. That's fine. It's all fine. EVERYTHING'S FUCKING FINE. 

Convince Duncan that nothing is wrong, by--

A. Continuing to eat in an infinite loop of mediocrity (PROCEED TO CHOICE 10)

B. Stuffing your face in silence, avoiding eye contact (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)

C. Getting up and leaving without a word. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 12)

11. Shit, why did you not notice today's special offer on beer until now? You could have had unlimited beer (provided you didn't exceed four glasses, as described in the largest fine print you've ever seen)! As you can't have reached this section without having already drunk several glasses of sake, you feel compelled to give the beer a miss, lest you sleep all afternoon. 

A. ... (PROCEED, WITH RESIGNED DISAPPOINTMENT, TO CHOICE 12)

12. You and Duncan mince daintily/lurch resentfully over to the counter, depending on your state(s) of mind.¹ Neither hopeful smiles nor angry glares are enough to stir the waiters from their apathetic slumber, and you start to consider leaving without paying, and becoming a full-time miscreant. But alas, as you are contemplating Duncan's violent, bullet-induced death, a waiter finally emerges, and money changes hands. 

WELL DONE, YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY WON THE HEART OF DUNCAN

MAYBE YOU CAN STICK IT IN A JAR NEXT TO HIS APPENDIX

END GAME

13. You dare Duncan to eat the wasabi and lemon lime,² little knowing that he'd ACTUALLY BLEEDIN' DO IT, PEEL AND ALL, THE MENTALIST. Frightened by your own powers of persuasion, you head to the bathroom and climb out of the window. Following a fateful encounter with a dumpster, you become "General Rubbish", committed to fighting crime and shitty TV through the power of mentalism. 

THE WORLD IS YOURS

END GAME

14. SYSTEM ERROR
THE HUMANS ARE DEAD

END GAME

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧

But seriously, what an interesting service style!

Also once I splattered raw egg all over the walls and ceiling...

(Long story, and one that I hope no one else will remember.)³

That being said, I still feel comfortable coming here so yeah.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✦

There are always seats, and it's not a bad place to sit.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

Bringing an American treasure back to its Asian roots. Sushiception!

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✦

In America, even the prices are big! Around $10 per roll, in fact.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

It doesn't really taste like sushi, but it sure does taste good.

1. Calculated using the free 'moodometer wheel' glued to your keyboard with the arrival of this month's issue of "Right Along Taipei".

2. Seriously Duncan what the fuck

3. Jesus, Avs, not everyone is thinking about you all the time.

Yamamoto

台北市大安區光復南路260巷1號

02 2711 3816

CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN FOODVENTURE 
- Part II -

1. You two make such a good couple: a veritable pair of Matthew C. Perrys on a mission from Jesus and Buddha and all those other guys, to bring the great nations of America and Japan together in holy culinary matrimony. You bravely disembark on the shores of Yamamoto バーガー restaurant with your proverbial sextants still in hand, heads windswept, wenuses well-oiled, stomachs rumbling for some thick meaty servings of cross-cultural burger-lary.

A. Fuck that I'm gonna have some juice. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 2)

B. H- hold on a second! I fear the implications of cultural imperalism! (PROCEED TO CHOICE 3)

C. Humo(u)r the authors, and actually order something from the menu. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 4)

2. Huh? It's carrot juice.

END GAME

3. LOOKS LIKE IT'S BACK TO BERKELEY FOR YOU, YA COMMIE!!! DON'T LET THE CARROT JUICE HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT jesus christ people like you make me sick i swear to g-- (PROCEED TO CHOICE 2)

4. You order a glass of white wine, hoping that it will be better than the red wine from last time (and the appendectomy, from the time before that). In retrospect, Duncan prefers the red. WELL, Duncan clearly views the past through "rosé"-colored glasses, because actually both the red and the white were pretty bad. You nod along to his criticisms anyway, in a rare attempt at something akin to being supportive.
A. Ummm... drink more? (PROCEED TO CHOICE 5)
B. Order a goddamn burger already, Jesus Christ Mary and Joseph hallelujah (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
C. Order a secular burger, blessed by the Noodly Appendage of the FSM Himself (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

5. You are pleased.

A. #^__^# (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
B. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

6. The garlic burger comes with thick flakes of fragrant fried garlic and a generous heap of bright green chopped chives, all delicately piled atop a nice slice of lemon or lime or whatever that you definitely cannot eat, not even a little. Frankly stymied as to the logic involved in this arrangement, you scrape off the edible bits and toss the offending citrus to one side, putting out Duncan's left eye in the process. Your plate doesn't look nearly as nice anymore (and neither does Duncan), but at least you already took the pictures.

A. Pair it with some rice (PROCEED TO CHOICE 10)

B. Steal a bite of the other burger (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

C. Team up with Duncan as he enters the next exciting stage of his increasingly nonsensical life, this time one of seafaring supervillianry (PROCEED TO THE ATLANTIC OCEAN) 

7. This burger, one of the specialties of the establishment, is served in traditional Japamerican style with a side of plain spaghetti, and is topped with some sort of foamy eggy spit. A tomatoey broth is also involved. It is delicious, and you have no regrets.

A. Take a sip of the soup, cuz it was free, and soup (PROCEED TO CHOICE 8)
B. Steal a bite of the other burger (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)

8. The miso soup is forgettable. Wait, why are you here again...?

A. Ask Duncan what year it is (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)
B. Ask Duncan on a dinner date (RECEED TO PART I)
C. Ask Duncan about the election (PROCEED TO CHOICE 9)

9. You will have to refine your question. I mean, hellooooo, not everyone cares as much about American politics as you do... Such an American abroad faux-pas, WOOOW.
A. Ask Duncan about the US presidential election of 2016 (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)
B. Ask Duncan about the growing election in your pants (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)

10. The rice is fluffy and white, which is nice, but other colors of rice would also be nice. You don't discriminate. You wish there were more, but then again, you could have asked for more, for free, when you ordered. Soooooo...

A. Have some soup and think about what you've done (PROCEED TO CHOICE 8)
B. MOAR BURGER (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6, INITIATING AN INFINITE LOOP OF DELICIOUSNESS)

11. The Great Duncan is of course all-knowing, but, unfortunately, he reveals the secrets of the universe to only a very lucky few... All the same, entitled solipsist that you are, you think that you might as well give it a try. Assuming the attitude of an intrepid 18th century naturalist explorer, you put your bag in the peer-pressure purse-basket, tie back your hair, roll up your sleeves, and spelunk into the blueblue pools of his wise eyes. All is insanity and you drown immediately.
A. END GAME (END GAME)

2. Where did the general keep his armies? (PROCEED TO FOOTNOTE 1)
BAT. "Why rubbish, Master Wayne?" (PROCEED TO PART I, CHOICE 13) 
⛵. BOAT BOAT BOAT (PROCEED TO CHOICE 1)

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧

I hate that stupid purse basket. I have already put my purse on the ground, it is TOO LATE, I quite clearly do not care about its cleanliness and your nagging will not be enough to save either one of us. Plus another star for Duncan.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧

Loud again. Why are so many restaurants in Taipei so loud?  :c

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

An Asian interpretation of classic American cuisine. バーガー!

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✦

It's fancy, but consider the rice and miso soup lagniappes! Then Google the definition of lagniappe, because you can't actually use the word lagniappe without a tangent on the word itself, and, as a lagniappe, a tangent on the English language in general. You're welcome(?).

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

Why am I here again...? Oh yeah it's yummy.

1. In his sleevies!!!

Plus (+) Pizza

台北市中正區羅斯福路四段24巷5號

02 2365 1929

A Review in the Medium of YouTube Comments

YouTube! 

Nature's way of ensuring that no casual music lover ever need to pay for an artist's sustenance again, and for keeping some of the worst of society under voluntary house arrest. 

Duncan may be so old that he associates YouTube with an old-timey device¹ for the artificial insemination of sheep, but Avalon, despite also growing up as a country bumpkin, is young enough to not only know what a "YouTube" is, but to have also used the platform to launch a successful career as a country singer. (You may remember her best-selling hit, "If I Said 'You Just Don't Understand American Culture, This Song Isn't Deeply Racist and Sexist, It's Just Suggesting that Maybe American Women Could Consider Dating American Men, And It's True That British Men Only Come to America to Sleep Around' Would You Hold It Against Me").  

As Avalon is unable to make any more videos while she remains trapped in Duncan's basement, our glamorous hosts have decided to get their fix of blistering personal attacks by scrawling their review of Plus (+) Pizza entirely in faux YouTube comments. So please, beloved reader, get hyped and then get disappointed, as we plunge, Descensus Christi ad Inferos-style, into comment section Hell! 

1. Introduced by the Mad Lord Briarface.

Zoca Pizza

台北市臨江街149號

02 2707 2212

Having, after much debate, opted not to kill and eat the most redundant member of their hiking party¹, three weary travelers appeared on the doorstep of Zoca Pizza seeking pizza-y refuge. Little did they know what treasures awaited them!²

 Lo! An eggplanty sausagey feast--!

Gods! Could it be? Olives AND anchovies?!?

The highlight of Duncan's day was the table's slow, collective realissszzzation that the two Brits were eating pizza with a knife and fork, while the sole Americat was eating hers with her hands. Such a beautiful cross-cultural moment justified his extended sojourn in Taiwan. 

Hey, isn't that the pizza that got a-salted on the MRT?

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✧✧

Foreigner run, and extremely foreigner friendly.
SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧
I dunno if it's the acoustics or what but man it does get a bit loud in there sometimes.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

Where else in Taipei can you get real Italian pizza made by real presumably-Italian people???

PRETEN$$$ION: ✦✦✦

Yeah I mean if you're gonna eat a whole pizza like that it will cost you a few simoleons...

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

1. Duncan maintains that we only really need one YouTube celebrity, and that YouTube subscriber count is not a valid metric of a person's value to society.³

2. Avalon saved an elderly man from drowning, and was rewarded with a sixteenth century Japanese toothpick dispenser, rumo(u)red to be possessed by the spirit of an eighteen-year-old Richard Nixon. Chris's future self handed his former self an enchanted vanity mirror, which reveals what the beholder would look like if they were wearing a fedora. Duncan cheated in a carnival game, winning a puzzle box that, once solved, transports the bearer to a parallel universe in which everyone suspects that everyone else knows they're super high. Also: pizza. 

3. Said by the man who will be presented with a "Participation Award" by Saint Peter at the Pearly gates.

Spot Taipei

台北市大安區敦化南路一段233巷58號 

02 2775 4117

After vetoing Duncan's plan to murder one of the Taipei Zoo pandas for food and warmth¹, then claim it was intended to send a strong pro-Taiwan message to Beijing, Avalon and her dejected companion instead went to dine and momentarily delay the cold embrace of death at Spot Taipei.

The Formosan Black Bear: smarter than your average panda. 

I have actually lost my mind.

The restaurant has a classy, inviting interior sure to make a favo(u)rable impression on your first Tinder date. Duncan was pleased, but he once cried upon seeing a particularly beautiful leaf.

Tables were robust and aesthetically pleasing. 

Fork shown for scale.

The waiter kindly informed Avalon and Duncan of a few dishes and beverages unavailable for purchase. This was a cruel diversion designed to lead our heroes into a false sense of security. And so it came to pass that when Duncan innocently inquired about the fruit juices du jour, he was rebuffed, for THERE WAS NO JUICE THAT DAY. 哭哭. Instead, he was coerced into ordering a special "fruit tea", which was pleasantly tangy with subtle undertones of bubblegum. 

Can you find the pigeon hidden in this photograph?

Avalon ordered avocado toast with smoked salmon, while Duncan's heart was set on a chicken waffle sandwich he once saw in a dream. Fritters were ordered as a cheeky starter.

Duncan's left index finger; fritters shown for scale.

The fritters were filled with cheese, and topped with cheese, and middled with fritter. All was well.

Avalon permitted Duncan to take photos of the food with his hilariously awful HTC phone, purchased out of a sense of loyalty to the Republic of Taiwan™ and all of its subsidiary companies. The waiter watched with a sense of unease, concerned that Duncan in his irreverent attitude may be incapable of fully capturing the aesthetic majesties of the chef's labo(u)rs. Taking matters into his own hands, quite literally, the waiter rearranged Duncan's chicken waffle sandwich to better expose its waffley charms.

 

His hard work truly paid off.

("So juicy.")

Duncan's sandwich was everything he had dreamt/dreamed of, and more. Duncan's dreams are full-colo(u)r and include sensations such as smell and taste. Sometimes they are erotic in nature. Sometimes they involve meeting political figures. As of yet, there has been no overlap. The sandwich pleased Duncan.

If it's wrong to be aroused by a sandwich, I don't want to be (W)right.

Duncan could have done without the subdued lighting in the lavatory²; when he looks in the mirror, he wants to see the truth, not some flattering fiction. He is not Narcissus! He does not seek merely to have his rugged good looks reflected back at him³. He just wants to know if there is waffle in his beard, so that he may remove it if necessary, unless the rest of the table is into that sort of thing.

Eye candy.

Brains of the operation, cryogenically frozen.

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✦
Waiting staff probably a little too attentive? Possibly bored...? Duncan didn't appreciate the unsolicited photography advice.
SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧
Duncan enjoyed the ambience and (generally) unobtrusive nature of the waiting staff and other guests, but deducts a point because Avalon was slowly freezing to death.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✧

Artfully-presented dishes, which Duncan's photos possibly hint at? If you squint? Menu full of creative and intriguing items, and you may even get to order some of them! (Duncan remains bitter that the fruit juice of the day was "order a different type of beverage.") 

PRETEN$$$ION: ✦✦✦

Prices were pretty steep, and while it was generally marvelous, there was a sense that the staff knew it, and were flaunting it. See also: photography advice.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

It was the best chicken waffle sandwich Duncan had ever encountered, praise not even slightly diminished by it also being the first. 

1. By sleeping inside its adorable carcass as if it were a Tauntaun and we Leonardo DiCaprio (as depicted in the recent motion picture hit, "Shutter Island").
2. The absence of a bath puts the lie to it being a ‘bathroom’, Avalon.⁴
3. This is just a bonus.
4. fuk u m8