NCIS Sushi

台北市大安區忠孝東路四段216巷27弄4號

02 2721 6952

CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN FOODVENTURE 
- Part I -

1. You spot a wild Duncan on the MRT. He is as yet unaware of your presence. Do you--

A. Molest him quietly from behind (PROCEED TO CHOICE 2)

B. Run away and cry (END GAME, QUITE RACISTLY)

C. Watch him silently (PROCEED TO CHOICE 3)

2. Duncan responds with enthusiasm! A bold move on his part, since you just as well might have been a pickpocket, or some lonely auntie looking for love. Anyway! Where do you go for dinner?

A. American-style sushi (PROCEED TO CHOICE 4)

B. Japanese-style burgers (SKIP TO PART II)

C. bleep bloop [battery full] (PROCEED TO CHOICE 14)

3. Duncan proceeds up the escalator as you watch from below. Suddenly, the auntie standing behind him trips and falls forward, and you can only watch in horror as Duncan, mistaking her for you, moves to embrace her. The auntie's screams echo through the station, and Duncan's bows and plaintive cries of 'paiseh', recorded by a dozen phones, are not enough to save him from the wrath of the internet mob. The tendrils of the human flesh search engine swing into action, and Duncan is arrested and charged with sexual harassment the very next day. Duncan's tearful "confession" (possibly? It was incomprehensible in any language) and the ensuing media circus launch a thousand online discussions, and the internet court of public opinion finds him guilty of treason, sentence: death. You try to use your connections to have his sentence commuted to lifelong military service on Kinmen, but it is not enough; the crowd cheers as Duncan's head and shoulders part ways. You go home and start writing a script for a response video.    

SUCH IS LIFE IN GLORIOUS REPUBLIC OF CHINA

END GAME

4. You enter NCIS Sushi, and are greeted by the most bored waiter on the planet Earth. Instantly overwhelmed by proximity ennui, you stare bleakly at the menu. Do you--
A. Drown your existential sorrows in some fun bubbly sake (PROCEED TO CHOICE 5)
B. Compose a monograph on the human condition (SKIP TO L'ETRANGER BY ALBERT CAMUS)
C. Numb the pain of this pointless struggle with spicy edamame (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
D. End it all, slitting your throat from the inside with razor-sharp fried fish skin (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

5. Well, gee! This is not so bad, really, you think to yourself, downing several glasses in a row as Duncan opens up a conversation about World War II. He slowly escalates into foaming incoherence, until you can only make out the occasional noun such as "boat" or "Japan." You start picturing him in a variety of funny hats, wearing silly uniforms with dangly bits on the shoulders; in your mind's eye, War Re-enactment Duncan crouches in a foxhole and eats beans on toast. Time for the main dish!

A. Sushi topped with mushrooms watered with angel tears (PROCEED TO CHOICE 9)

B. This suspiciously inexpensive truffly sushi thing (PROCEED TO CHOICE 10)

6. You imagine the edamame beans to be little round green people all snuggled up together in pod-shaped sleeping bags, and you are become Godzirra, destroyer of dreams, ripping them from their happy twosomes and threesomes to satisfy your own selfish hunger. It's pretty good, but the pepper makes you cough.

A. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously (SKIP TO SOME LIGHT READING ON THE TOPIC OF SYNTAX)

B. Continue to tempt death with some razor-sharp fried fish skin (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

C. Eat the only other green things on the table (PROCEED TO CHOICE 13)

7. You totally die & r totally ded, but it is a happy death, cuz these fish bits were pretty tasty.

RIP your mouth.

END GAME

8. Something has changed. You have a nagging feeling that you shouldn't be here, that you have somehow transcended the laws of the physical universe. As Duncan drones on about nothing, you start to become aware of atoms continually joining and departing his increasingly vague corporeal form, by now a loose collection of molecules that sits shimmering before you. You realis/ze that nothing has changed, it was always thus. You can see the path of each atom through time, their origin and destination forming a single unbroken chain that snakes through the universe. Everything is preordained, effect leading naturally from cause. As you shed your physical shell, you are released from the burdens of emotion and thought, and are now free to dispassionately witness the continual death and rebirth of the universe. 
Duncan walks in and asks if you have Belgian buns in America.
THE END (IS AN ILLUSION)

9. With the bugle calls of the Heavenly Host echoing in your skull, you tentatively deliver a single piece of sushi to your mouth. All at once, you are struck with the sensation of God's own tongue being forced into your mouth, with scant concern for boundaries. The Creator's muscular taste organ pulsates with Pantheran power, and is yet as loving as a lamb with your lymphoid tissue. The whole experience leaves you quite flushed.

Time to advance the plot, such as it is! 

A. Glance to your right? (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)

B. Pay up and leave... This whole premise is getting pretty tired. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 12)

10. This one isn't bad, I guess? The cheese is nice, but there's a bit too much of it, now you come to think about it. And is it even cheese or some kind of cheese substitute? The whole experience is adequate. You look up and spy God drunkenly flirting with some woman at the next table. That's fine. It's all fine. EVERYTHING'S FUCKING FINE. 

Convince Duncan that nothing is wrong, by--

A. Continuing to eat in an infinite loop of mediocrity (PROCEED TO CHOICE 10)

B. Stuffing your face in silence, avoiding eye contact (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)

C. Getting up and leaving without a word. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 12)

11. Shit, why did you not notice today's special offer on beer until now? You could have had unlimited beer (provided you didn't exceed four glasses, as described in the largest fine print you've ever seen)! As you can't have reached this section without having already drunk several glasses of sake, you feel compelled to give the beer a miss, lest you sleep all afternoon. 

A. ... (PROCEED, WITH RESIGNED DISAPPOINTMENT, TO CHOICE 12)

12. You and Duncan mince daintily/lurch resentfully over to the counter, depending on your state(s) of mind.¹ Neither hopeful smiles nor angry glares are enough to stir the waiters from their apathetic slumber, and you start to consider leaving without paying, and becoming a full-time miscreant. But alas, as you are contemplating Duncan's violent, bullet-induced death, a waiter finally emerges, and money changes hands. 

WELL DONE, YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY WON THE HEART OF DUNCAN

MAYBE YOU CAN STICK IT IN A JAR NEXT TO HIS APPENDIX

END GAME

13. You dare Duncan to eat the wasabi and lemon lime,² little knowing that he'd ACTUALLY BLEEDIN' DO IT, PEEL AND ALL, THE MENTALIST. Frightened by your own powers of persuasion, you head to the bathroom and climb out of the window. Following a fateful encounter with a dumpster, you become "General Rubbish", committed to fighting crime and shitty TV through the power of mentalism. 

THE WORLD IS YOURS

END GAME

14. SYSTEM ERROR
THE HUMANS ARE DEAD

END GAME

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧

But seriously, what an interesting service style!

Also once I splattered raw egg all over the walls and ceiling...

(Long story, and one that I hope no one else will remember.)³

That being said, I still feel comfortable coming here so yeah.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✦

There are always seats, and it's not a bad place to sit.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

Bringing an American treasure back to its Asian roots. Sushiception!

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✦

In America, even the prices are big! Around $10 per roll, in fact.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

It doesn't really taste like sushi, but it sure does taste good.

1. Calculated using the free 'moodometer wheel' glued to your keyboard with the arrival of this month's issue of "Right Along Taipei".

2. Seriously Duncan what the fuck

3. Jesus, Avs, not everyone is thinking about you all the time.

Yamamoto

台北市大安區光復南路260巷1號

02 2711 3816

CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN FOODVENTURE 
- Part II -

1. You two make such a good couple: a veritable pair of Matthew C. Perrys on a mission from Jesus and Buddha and all those other guys, to bring the great nations of America and Japan together in holy culinary matrimony. You bravely disembark on the shores of Yamamoto バーガー restaurant with your proverbial sextants still in hand, heads windswept, wenuses well-oiled, stomachs rumbling for some thick meaty servings of cross-cultural burger-lary.

A. Fuck that I'm gonna have some juice. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 2)

B. H- hold on a second! I fear the implications of cultural imperalism! (PROCEED TO CHOICE 3)

C. Humo(u)r the authors, and actually order something from the menu. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 4)

2. Huh? It's carrot juice.

END GAME

3. LOOKS LIKE IT'S BACK TO BERKELEY FOR YOU, YA COMMIE!!! DON'T LET THE CARROT JUICE HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT jesus christ people like you make me sick i swear to g-- (PROCEED TO CHOICE 2)

4. You order a glass of white wine, hoping that it will be better than the red wine from last time (and the appendectomy, from the time before that). In retrospect, Duncan prefers the red. WELL, Duncan clearly views the past through "rosé"-colored glasses, because actually both the red and the white were pretty bad. You nod along to his criticisms anyway, in a rare attempt at something akin to being supportive.
A. Ummm... drink more? (PROCEED TO CHOICE 5)
B. Order a goddamn burger already, Jesus Christ Mary and Joseph hallelujah (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
C. Order a secular burger, blessed by the Noodly Appendage of the FSM Himself (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

5. You are pleased.

A. #^__^# (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
B. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

6. The garlic burger comes with thick flakes of fragrant fried garlic and a generous heap of bright green chopped chives, all delicately piled atop a nice slice of lemon or lime or whatever that you definitely cannot eat, not even a little. Frankly stymied as to the logic involved in this arrangement, you scrape off the edible bits and toss the offending citrus to one side, putting out Duncan's left eye in the process. Your plate doesn't look nearly as nice anymore (and neither does Duncan), but at least you already took the pictures.

A. Pair it with some rice (PROCEED TO CHOICE 10)

B. Steal a bite of the other burger (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

C. Team up with Duncan as he enters the next exciting stage of his increasingly nonsensical life, this time one of seafaring supervillianry (PROCEED TO THE ATLANTIC OCEAN) 

7. This burger, one of the specialties of the establishment, is served in traditional Japamerican style with a side of plain spaghetti, and is topped with some sort of foamy eggy spit. A tomatoey broth is also involved. It is delicious, and you have no regrets.

A. Take a sip of the soup, cuz it was free, and soup (PROCEED TO CHOICE 8)
B. Steal a bite of the other burger (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)

8. The miso soup is forgettable. Wait, why are you here again...?

A. Ask Duncan what year it is (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)
B. Ask Duncan on a dinner date (RECEED TO PART I)
C. Ask Duncan about the election (PROCEED TO CHOICE 9)

9. You will have to refine your question. I mean, hellooooo, not everyone cares as much about American politics as you do... Such an American abroad faux-pas, WOOOW.
A. Ask Duncan about the US presidential election of 2016 (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)
B. Ask Duncan about the growing election in your pants (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)

10. The rice is fluffy and white, which is nice, but other colors of rice would also be nice. You don't discriminate. You wish there were more, but then again, you could have asked for more, for free, when you ordered. Soooooo...

A. Have some soup and think about what you've done (PROCEED TO CHOICE 8)
B. MOAR BURGER (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6, INITIATING AN INFINITE LOOP OF DELICIOUSNESS)

11. The Great Duncan is of course all-knowing, but, unfortunately, he reveals the secrets of the universe to only a very lucky few... All the same, entitled solipsist that you are, you think that you might as well give it a try. Assuming the attitude of an intrepid 18th century naturalist explorer, you put your bag in the peer-pressure purse-basket, tie back your hair, roll up your sleeves, and spelunk into the blueblue pools of his wise eyes. All is insanity and you drown immediately.
A. END GAME (END GAME)

2. Where did the general keep his armies? (PROCEED TO FOOTNOTE 1)
BAT. "Why rubbish, Master Wayne?" (PROCEED TO PART I, CHOICE 13) 
⛵. BOAT BOAT BOAT (PROCEED TO CHOICE 1)

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧

I hate that stupid purse basket. I have already put my purse on the ground, it is TOO LATE, I quite clearly do not care about its cleanliness and your nagging will not be enough to save either one of us. Plus another star for Duncan.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧

Loud again. Why are so many restaurants in Taipei so loud?  :c

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

An Asian interpretation of classic American cuisine. バーガー!

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✦

It's fancy, but consider the rice and miso soup lagniappes! Then Google the definition of lagniappe, because you can't actually use the word lagniappe without a tangent on the word itself, and, as a lagniappe, a tangent on the English language in general. You're welcome(?).

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

Why am I here again...? Oh yeah it's yummy.

1. In his sleevies!!!

Plus (+) Pizza

台北市中正區羅斯福路四段24巷5號

02 2365 1929

A Review in the Medium of YouTube Comments

YouTube! 

Nature's way of ensuring that no casual music lover ever need to pay for an artist's sustenance again, and for keeping some of the worst of society under voluntary house arrest. 

Duncan may be so old that he associates YouTube with an old-timey device¹ for the artificial insemination of sheep, but Avalon, despite also growing up as a country bumpkin, is young enough to not only know what a "YouTube" is, but to have also used the platform to launch a successful career as a country singer. (You may remember her best-selling hit, "If I Said 'You Just Don't Understand American Culture, This Song Isn't Deeply Racist and Sexist, It's Just Suggesting that Maybe American Women Could Consider Dating American Men, And It's True That British Men Only Come to America to Sleep Around' Would You Hold It Against Me").  

As Avalon is unable to make any more videos while she remains trapped in Duncan's basement, our glamorous hosts have decided to get their fix of blistering personal attacks by scrawling their review of Plus (+) Pizza entirely in faux YouTube comments. So please, beloved reader, get hyped and then get disappointed, as we plunge, Descensus Christi ad Inferos-style, into comment section Hell! 

1. Introduced by the Mad Lord Briarface.

Sushi Express

台北市大安區復興南路二段191號

02 2709 9117

The almost immediately outdated pop culture reference edition

CIVIL WAR

QUIP-TAIN AMERICA                                        VERSUS                                                   IRONY MAN

As part of Avalon's grand plan to start reviewing everything she sees (her own reflection, dreams, strangers' butts/bums), our bumbling protagonists bumbled in prosaic agony into one of the many, many Sushi Express outlets dotted around the planet. In a desperate attempt to motoriz/se a resolutely pedestrian review of a devoutly skateboarding establishment, our dear hosts will compete for your affections and/or to the death.  

--- Round One ---

FIGHT!

Stationary cup of tea vs. bowl of miso soup is a metaphor for our fighting styles.

Mandarin Proficiency

"Well Dave, I think this outcome is pretty cut-and-dried. Duncan's no threat to the champ."

"You're right Davetwo, we wouldn't even see this kind of matchup outside of today's exhibition fight. You got to hand it to the kid though, I have never seen anyone get humiliated so badly so many times without quitting or learning how to dodge a question. You got to admit, that's special." 

"A special type of stupid perhaps, Dave."

"Probably a cultural thing, Davetwo. I know that 1776 happened and, for better or worse, 'winning' is okay now, but we just can't do that in the UK. Tall poppies and whatnot cheerio pip pip wink wink eggy in a basket."

"No comment, Dave, no comment... Wait, here comes the waitress! She's asking if they want miso soup, and Avalon is relaying the question to Duncan."

"No surprises there Davetwo, this will be over in a few minutes."

"Duncan's already substituted a second tone for a third tone, Dave. Some customers are leaving, they think it's all over..."

"It is now, Davetwo! Avalon was distracted by Duncan's incompetence and has repeated his tonal mistake!"

...DOUBLE KNOCKOUT!!

--- Round Two ---

FIGHT!

FUN FACT! Duncan has this image tattoo'd on his chest. 

Anecdotes

"This is more like it, Dave! If both competitors are on top form, this should be a clash of the titans."

"In that one of them eats children, and the other has his appendix eaten on a daily basis?"

"To be honest, Dave, I have a really small reference pool. I just repeat things I hear. Cultural osmosis, you know?"

"No worries, Davetwo. And speaking of small reference pools, something something WWII, something something YouTube, something something Game of Thrones, something something fireflies?"

"Man, I love that song."

TECHNICAL KNOCKOUT --
AVALON WINS, BY POPULAR DEMAND!

--- Round Three ---
FIGHT!

omg...

...What the feck is this?

"Well Dave, it looks like the menu has not been updated in figuratively forever [approximately literally 18 months], in preparation for the final round today's triathlon of trivialities."

"Exciting stuff, Dave. Avalon has ordered Duncan to take the mystery sushi off the conveyor belt for inspection."

"And Duncan is tasting it now... His brow furrows as he desperately tries to taste without taste buds."

"Won't be too long before all of Duncan's senses fail him, and he's trapped with his own thoughts forever."

"That's a sobering thought, Davetwo. I don't know where I'd be without my ability to sense gravity."

"The mesosphere by now I'd imagine, Dave."

"Going to have to stop you there, Davetwo-- Avalon has also failed to place the sushi by taste, looks like another double knockout..."

"They're both in the clear! A more recent menu has swung around on the conveyor belt at the last second! Turns out the Japanese for 'pesto' is 'pesuto'. What a world we live in."

DRAW!

AVALON WINS

FINISH HIM!

[Duncan is mocked to death]

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧

The conveyor belt was overflowing with plates resting  precariously atop one another, like a long line of food-bearing dominoes, just waiting to topple onto Duncan's lap. There was almost the sense that the staff were eager to finish work as quickly as possible, an attitude unknown to industrious types like our heroes. Said heroes are generously only adding one star, mainly because their hopes were not high anyway. 

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✧✧

Well, again, it's kaiten sushi--one does not go for the snuggles. (This did not stop Duncan from trying.)

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✧✧

As far as Dunka-dunks can tell (about five yards in good light), the conveyor belt setup at Sushi Express has not substantially diverged from the original setup introduced in the 1950's. Let him know when he can order stuff on a wall-mounted iPad and have it delivered on a little turbo-charged boat.

PRETEN$ION: ✦✧✧   

There is a saying about getting what you pay for.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✧

...One could do worse (mesospheric praise).

Maryjane Pizza

台北市大安區溫州街89號

02 2369 5333

SUPERB MERRIMENT QUIZ EDITION

Do not linger here. 

You fool, it is too late; he already knows your name.

Welcome friends, to another enchanting episode of "Right Along Taipei", Taiwan's third favurite (sic) English-language nonsensical food blog. As a means of thanking all three of our readers, we have included a special quiz in this review. Please don't forget to leave your answers in the comments, where somebody, some day, may give a shit.

Do not look behind you.

Our heroes' brief visit to a dilapidated insect electrophysiology lab ended in horror as a chance encounter with a micropipette puller triggered Duncan's repressed memories of his postgraduate career. Maddened with grief, Duncan retreated into the woods, pursued by Avalon and a team of experienced trackers. Only two people left the wood that night. They decided to go have pizza.

Q1: How do you spell entomology?

A: Etymology  

B: Brian  

See: Ee…en…tee…em…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, MY APPENDIX    

  The D: Yes, please  

Keep the lights on.

Avalon ordered the restaurant's signature pizza, while Duncan ordered a smoked salmon pizza. The consensus was that Maryjane's thin crust pizzas are delightful (the smoked salmon, in particular), but that the more traditional style served up at Zoca is preferable (albeit more expensive). Moreover, Duncan was left feeling hungry later (this was after finding himself stuck on a stationary bus in Nangang for twenty minutes as a flood wall was slowly moved across the street, but before he got home and realis/zed he no longer had his keys). 

Q2: How many light bulbs does it take to change Duncan?

1. Just one, if it loves him enough.  

2. None: he’s perfect just the way he is.

C. Two: one to cast light upon his sins, and one to lighten the path to redemption, HALLELUJAH  

5. Just one, if thrown with sufficient force.

Don't fall asleep.

The staff is/are¹ polite and friendly, and very committed to their menu puns and Dad jokes. Inspired by their example, Duncan has tried his hand at the venerable institution that is the 'yo mama' joke.²

Q3: Yo mama...

(壹) ...so fat that, when she went swimming, she was claimed as part of the inalienable territory of Vietnam, Taiwan, the Philippines, AND China?

(貳) ...so ugly that both the PRC and ROC deny they’re China when she tries to initiate “diplomatic” relations?

(參)...so stupid she thought the Cultural Revolution was a particularly refined Ferris wheel?

(肆) ...so old that Beijing claims she has been part of China since “ancient times”?

It's time to tot up your scores! For each "A" answer, gain 12 points. For each "B" answer, gain -3 points. For each "C" answer, lose π points. For each "D" answer, lose -∞ points.


Negative infinity to zero: Stalker much?
Zero to 107,438: You are usually content to remain in the background, but sometimes have an urge to be the centre/er of attention. Your favrite (sic) things in life include crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you, and spending a warm summer's afternoon enjoying a picnic with your loved ones. 
107,438 - <∞: Threesome?

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧

Given a two just for the menu descriptions.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧

A smidgen too noisy - Avalon had to be re-calibrated twice.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✧

Duncan wasn't even aware that chocolate pizzas existed. He sometimes hears sounds from outside the basement, but covers his ears until they stop.

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✧ 

The prices are more than reasonable. Reasonestble.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✧

Value for money [SEE ABOVE], but we definitely preferred Zoca. And our OCD compels us to give at least one restaurant a two for "taste". Forgive us, we know not what we do.

1. A small concession to our British readers and their loyalty to plural verb agreement.

2. Duncan would like to emphasis/ze that he loves all your mamas, and hopes to see them again soon.