Uncles Taiwan

台北市大安區光復南路260巷31號

02 8771 8097

READ THROUGH YOUR FINGERS EDITION

The beautiful awkwardness of their recent trip to "Uncles" left our two protagonists, (W)right by name and right by nature, in a bit of a quandary - how best to convey the whole wince-inducing experience in their little Encyclopædia Ineptica? After agonis/zing arguments, Anglo-America's autophobic auteurs arrived at an appropriate answer: what could be more embarrassing than presenting the review in the form of Duncan's internal monologue? We hope that you enjoy the vicarious humiliation on offer today. 

[And yes, imaginary reader, Duncan's stream of consciousness IS punctuated - he doesn't so much "hear" it, as see it scroll past his mind's eye, like a televisual news ticker.]

MBER TO BUY EGGS...WHAT IF I WERE TO DIE RIGHT NOW?...OH GOD, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT

TRIGGER WARNING: objectification

Would I be more attracted to Avalon's face with Jiro Wang's body, 
or Jiro Wang's face with Avalon's body?

"Well, we found the restaurant without too much difficulty, so that's something. Definitely at least one thing. This all looks very classy. There's a waiter! I guess... Why is he just staring at us? Okay, Avalon's asked for a table for two... and we can't have one because there's a booking for all of the empty tables at 6:30pm, despite it only being 5:20pm now? God, I really don't know, I wish everyone spoke with Chinese subtitles like on the TV. Or everyone spoke in the exact same voice. Maybe everyone could have my voice, that'd be pretty sexy! A bit weird, though. 

Duncan's Life Tips:

1) Nightly wet dreams getting you down? 

Try masturbating! 

"Avalon's so smart, I should interject so she knows I'm following what she's saying. But what if it comes across as mansplaining? I should just look concerned. Nope, that's too concerned, break eye contact! Don't look down there, you moron! Quick, change the topic by ordering something. Avalon's right, the cheesy calamari hot pot looks amazing, and I'd like a Kirin beer sorbet. Okay, so we've been informed we can't have the beer sorbet... but we can have the regular beer? Well, that's fine... Wait, it's the dark beer that's not available, not the beer sorbet per se, so I can have the beer sorbet? Great. Glad we cleared that up.

Duncan's Life Tips:

2) Impress women with your smurts by explaining their own lives to them!

"Is that the same K-Pop music video on a continual loop? I have no idea, and I'm concerned that makes me a racist. I should pay more attention so I seem informed. Wait, what was Avalon talking about while I was watching ladies gyrate for ten minutes? Danger, danger!! Thank gods, here's the waiter again, to give us the bill. And now... he's just standing there? Does he want us to pay before eating? No, he was just having a rest. 

Duncan's Life Tips:

3) There is nothing wrong with being homosexual. Unfortunately, it is prudent to avoid coming across as gay because (i) of the social stigma in some circles, and because (ii) you're 95% sure you're not gay. At the same time, you do not want to appear homophobic. As such, cultivate just the right amount of homophilia by appearing interested, but not too interested, when friends make you view YouTube videos starring the campest man alive.

"Thank crap, the food is here! This will definitely decrease the possibility of me saying something embarrassing by at least 35%. Oh shit, I should take a photo? I'm really lucky that Avalon pays attention to the outside world so I'm free to stay trapped in this cavern of my own reverberating thoughts. Let's see if I can make fumbling for my camera look cool. Apparently not, but it's the thought that counts. The fupp? The awkward waiter giveth, and the awkward waiter hath taketh away our meal because he suddenly realis/z(?)ed it's not ours? He's lucky that I'm not a dog with food aggression... Oh, you're sorry? YOU WILL BE. 

Duncan's Life Tips:

4) Dating a celebrity? The general consensus is that you should be low-key, and provide love and stability. BUT have you considered going full Yoko Ono, and charging into the lemonlight? By selflessly drawing the hatred of the general public upon your own back, your partner will be spared the worst of their barbs!  

"Did the one waiter just ask the other if he's prepared the drink correctly? I wouldn't have thought there was a great deal of leeway error when it comes to sticking sorbet in beer. Well, here are our drinks at least? Nothing like drinking to make you look cool. Well, maybe smoking, I guess? But how to get tobacco products? My eyesight's not good enough to read the labels from behind the counter, and I can't just ask for the blurry blue cigarettes. It's unbearable when it takes the cashier ten minutes to work out what I want because I'm asking for cigarettes but pointing at condoms. Probably shouldn't smoke latex.¹ You just stick with your Kirin beer sorbet, Duncan. Ahhhh, that's refreshing, and momentarily makes me forget all of my failings. And it also gives me confidence that if I merely redouble my efforts, I'll soon be able to master all disciplines known to man and God, and I, too, will be worthy of love. The waiter's back again?! What have we done now? Oh, he's just decided to awkwardly hand Avalon a straw to go with the drink that was delivered one rambling paragraph ago.

Duncan's Life Tips:

5) If you have an active lifestyle, get into the habit of keeping a few potassium-rich bananas on your person at all times. This will help your friends rationalis/ze away any of your inopportune erections.

"And finally dinner is served! Not sure if it's just a ruse, though. We should probably wait five minutes to make sure the waiters don't come back to tell us that we need to like their Facebook fan page before we can eat, or that they accidentally chopped off their heads and served them to us. Human head or no, this is fantastic - I'm probably going to have to explain it through tenuous literary allusion: 'It's like the Nautilus was made of cheese, and it defeated a shoal of giant squid with a hot oil pump, and also the Atlantic Ocean was spicier, and I am Captain Nemo and I eat everyone. The End.' Well, this food definitely made up for the awkwardness... Just got to pay and get out the door without showing myself up with my shitty Mandarin. Annnnnd... What? Never mind. I am a latter-day Sisyphus, but less self-aware."

Duncan's Life Tips:

6) There are few things as embarrassing as a nosebleed on a date. If/when this happens, explain that your nosebleed is a visual metaphor for your sexual arousal. Congratulations: you are now a poet, and guaranteed to get laid! 

Duncan's Life Tips:

7) Have only ten seconds to learn to dance? Try becoming a member of a less-privileged ethnic group/gender/sexuality! Realis/ze that positive stereotypes are also harmful, and that your lack of dance skills are contributing to the problem.  

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦

Duncan experienced vicarious embarrassment for the first time in his life (he's more au fait with personal embarrassment). The experience has been given one additional star for each awkward incident.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧

Not awful, but it was not easy to eat spicy cheese-covered calamari when sat at a bar, ESPECIALLY WITH THE CONSTANT AWARENESS OF SEVERAL VACANT TABLES, THAT REMAINED VACANT FOR THE ENTIRETY OF OUR VISIT. 
DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

You are guaranteed not to find a similar experience elsewhere in Taiwan. Well, you will find awkwardness, but there probably won't be cheesy squid.

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✧   

Reasonable, considering it included both a meal and a show.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

Come for the amazing food, stay for the comedy of errors!

1. Dear Future Duncan, please don't perform a Google search for "smoking latex" on the work computer during work time. Your nemesis, Past Duncan.²

2. Shit, my thoughts have footnotes now? Thoughts nested within thoughts like a matryoshka doll filled with bees. And bees filled with acarine mites. And acarine mites filled with Wolbachia. And Wolbachia filled with phage WO. And phage WO filled with tiny nanobees.  

Spot Taipei

台北市大安區敦化南路一段233巷58號 

02 2775 4117

After vetoing Duncan's plan to murder one of the Taipei Zoo pandas for food and warmth¹, then claim it was intended to send a strong pro-Taiwan message to Beijing, Avalon and her dejected companion instead went to dine and momentarily delay the cold embrace of death at Spot Taipei.

The Formosan Black Bear: smarter than your average panda. 

I have actually lost my mind.

The restaurant has a classy, inviting interior sure to make a favo(u)rable impression on your first Tinder date. Duncan was pleased, but he once cried upon seeing a particularly beautiful leaf.

Tables were robust and aesthetically pleasing. 

Fork shown for scale.

The waiter kindly informed Avalon and Duncan of a few dishes and beverages unavailable for purchase. This was a cruel diversion designed to lead our heroes into a false sense of security. And so it came to pass that when Duncan innocently inquired about the fruit juices du jour, he was rebuffed, for THERE WAS NO JUICE THAT DAY. 哭哭. Instead, he was coerced into ordering a special "fruit tea", which was pleasantly tangy with subtle undertones of bubblegum. 

Can you find the pigeon hidden in this photograph?

Avalon ordered avocado toast with smoked salmon, while Duncan's heart was set on a chicken waffle sandwich he once saw in a dream. Fritters were ordered as a cheeky starter.

Duncan's left index finger; fritters shown for scale.

The fritters were filled with cheese, and topped with cheese, and middled with fritter. All was well.

Avalon permitted Duncan to take photos of the food with his hilariously awful HTC phone, purchased out of a sense of loyalty to the Republic of Taiwan™ and all of its subsidiary companies. The waiter watched with a sense of unease, concerned that Duncan in his irreverent attitude may be incapable of fully capturing the aesthetic majesties of the chef's labo(u)rs. Taking matters into his own hands, quite literally, the waiter rearranged Duncan's chicken waffle sandwich to better expose its waffley charms.

 

His hard work truly paid off.

("So juicy.")

Duncan's sandwich was everything he had dreamt/dreamed of, and more. Duncan's dreams are full-colo(u)r and include sensations such as smell and taste. Sometimes they are erotic in nature. Sometimes they involve meeting political figures. As of yet, there has been no overlap. The sandwich pleased Duncan.

If it's wrong to be aroused by a sandwich, I don't want to be (W)right.

Duncan could have done without the subdued lighting in the lavatory²; when he looks in the mirror, he wants to see the truth, not some flattering fiction. He is not Narcissus! He does not seek merely to have his rugged good looks reflected back at him³. He just wants to know if there is waffle in his beard, so that he may remove it if necessary, unless the rest of the table is into that sort of thing.

Eye candy.

Brains of the operation, cryogenically frozen.

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✦
Waiting staff probably a little too attentive? Possibly bored...? Duncan didn't appreciate the unsolicited photography advice.
SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧
Duncan enjoyed the ambience and (generally) unobtrusive nature of the waiting staff and other guests, but deducts a point because Avalon was slowly freezing to death.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✧

Artfully-presented dishes, which Duncan's photos possibly hint at? If you squint? Menu full of creative and intriguing items, and you may even get to order some of them! (Duncan remains bitter that the fruit juice of the day was "order a different type of beverage.") 

PRETEN$$$ION: ✦✦✦

Prices were pretty steep, and while it was generally marvelous, there was a sense that the staff knew it, and were flaunting it. See also: photography advice.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

It was the best chicken waffle sandwich Duncan had ever encountered, praise not even slightly diminished by it also being the first. 

1. By sleeping inside its adorable carcass as if it were a Tauntaun and we Leonardo DiCaprio (as depicted in the recent motion picture hit, "Shutter Island").
2. The absence of a bath puts the lie to it being a ‘bathroom’, Avalon.⁴
3. This is just a bonus.
4. fuk u m8