Uncles Taiwan

台北市大安區光復南路260巷31號

02 8771 8097

READ THROUGH YOUR FINGERS EDITION

The beautiful awkwardness of their recent trip to "Uncles" left our two protagonists, (W)right by name and right by nature, in a bit of a quandary - how best to convey the whole wince-inducing experience in their little Encyclopædia Ineptica? After agonis/zing arguments, Anglo-America's autophobic auteurs arrived at an appropriate answer: what could be more embarrassing than presenting the review in the form of Duncan's internal monologue? We hope that you enjoy the vicarious humiliation on offer today. 

[And yes, imaginary reader, Duncan's stream of consciousness IS punctuated - he doesn't so much "hear" it, as see it scroll past his mind's eye, like a televisual news ticker.]

MBER TO BUY EGGS...WHAT IF I WERE TO DIE RIGHT NOW?...OH GOD, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT

TRIGGER WARNING: objectification

Would I be more attracted to Avalon's face with Jiro Wang's body, 
or Jiro Wang's face with Avalon's body?

"Well, we found the restaurant without too much difficulty, so that's something. Definitely at least one thing. This all looks very classy. There's a waiter! I guess... Why is he just staring at us? Okay, Avalon's asked for a table for two... and we can't have one because there's a booking for all of the empty tables at 6:30pm, despite it only being 5:20pm now? God, I really don't know, I wish everyone spoke with Chinese subtitles like on the TV. Or everyone spoke in the exact same voice. Maybe everyone could have my voice, that'd be pretty sexy! A bit weird, though. 

Duncan's Life Tips:

1) Nightly wet dreams getting you down? 

Try masturbating! 

"Avalon's so smart, I should interject so she knows I'm following what she's saying. But what if it comes across as mansplaining? I should just look concerned. Nope, that's too concerned, break eye contact! Don't look down there, you moron! Quick, change the topic by ordering something. Avalon's right, the cheesy calamari hot pot looks amazing, and I'd like a Kirin beer sorbet. Okay, so we've been informed we can't have the beer sorbet... but we can have the regular beer? Well, that's fine... Wait, it's the dark beer that's not available, not the beer sorbet per se, so I can have the beer sorbet? Great. Glad we cleared that up.

Duncan's Life Tips:

2) Impress women with your smurts by explaining their own lives to them!

"Is that the same K-Pop music video on a continual loop? I have no idea, and I'm concerned that makes me a racist. I should pay more attention so I seem informed. Wait, what was Avalon talking about while I was watching ladies gyrate for ten minutes? Danger, danger!! Thank gods, here's the waiter again, to give us the bill. And now... he's just standing there? Does he want us to pay before eating? No, he was just having a rest. 

Duncan's Life Tips:

3) There is nothing wrong with being homosexual. Unfortunately, it is prudent to avoid coming across as gay because (i) of the social stigma in some circles, and because (ii) you're 95% sure you're not gay. At the same time, you do not want to appear homophobic. As such, cultivate just the right amount of homophilia by appearing interested, but not too interested, when friends make you view YouTube videos starring the campest man alive.

"Thank crap, the food is here! This will definitely decrease the possibility of me saying something embarrassing by at least 35%. Oh shit, I should take a photo? I'm really lucky that Avalon pays attention to the outside world so I'm free to stay trapped in this cavern of my own reverberating thoughts. Let's see if I can make fumbling for my camera look cool. Apparently not, but it's the thought that counts. The fupp? The awkward waiter giveth, and the awkward waiter hath taketh away our meal because he suddenly realis/z(?)ed it's not ours? He's lucky that I'm not a dog with food aggression... Oh, you're sorry? YOU WILL BE. 

Duncan's Life Tips:

4) Dating a celebrity? The general consensus is that you should be low-key, and provide love and stability. BUT have you considered going full Yoko Ono, and charging into the lemonlight? By selflessly drawing the hatred of the general public upon your own back, your partner will be spared the worst of their barbs!  

"Did the one waiter just ask the other if he's prepared the drink correctly? I wouldn't have thought there was a great deal of leeway error when it comes to sticking sorbet in beer. Well, here are our drinks at least? Nothing like drinking to make you look cool. Well, maybe smoking, I guess? But how to get tobacco products? My eyesight's not good enough to read the labels from behind the counter, and I can't just ask for the blurry blue cigarettes. It's unbearable when it takes the cashier ten minutes to work out what I want because I'm asking for cigarettes but pointing at condoms. Probably shouldn't smoke latex.¹ You just stick with your Kirin beer sorbet, Duncan. Ahhhh, that's refreshing, and momentarily makes me forget all of my failings. And it also gives me confidence that if I merely redouble my efforts, I'll soon be able to master all disciplines known to man and God, and I, too, will be worthy of love. The waiter's back again?! What have we done now? Oh, he's just decided to awkwardly hand Avalon a straw to go with the drink that was delivered one rambling paragraph ago.

Duncan's Life Tips:

5) If you have an active lifestyle, get into the habit of keeping a few potassium-rich bananas on your person at all times. This will help your friends rationalis/ze away any of your inopportune erections.

"And finally dinner is served! Not sure if it's just a ruse, though. We should probably wait five minutes to make sure the waiters don't come back to tell us that we need to like their Facebook fan page before we can eat, or that they accidentally chopped off their heads and served them to us. Human head or no, this is fantastic - I'm probably going to have to explain it through tenuous literary allusion: 'It's like the Nautilus was made of cheese, and it defeated a shoal of giant squid with a hot oil pump, and also the Atlantic Ocean was spicier, and I am Captain Nemo and I eat everyone. The End.' Well, this food definitely made up for the awkwardness... Just got to pay and get out the door without showing myself up with my shitty Mandarin. Annnnnd... What? Never mind. I am a latter-day Sisyphus, but less self-aware."

Duncan's Life Tips:

6) There are few things as embarrassing as a nosebleed on a date. If/when this happens, explain that your nosebleed is a visual metaphor for your sexual arousal. Congratulations: you are now a poet, and guaranteed to get laid! 

Duncan's Life Tips:

7) Have only ten seconds to learn to dance? Try becoming a member of a less-privileged ethnic group/gender/sexuality! Realis/ze that positive stereotypes are also harmful, and that your lack of dance skills are contributing to the problem.  

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦

Duncan experienced vicarious embarrassment for the first time in his life (he's more au fait with personal embarrassment). The experience has been given one additional star for each awkward incident.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧

Not awful, but it was not easy to eat spicy cheese-covered calamari when sat at a bar, ESPECIALLY WITH THE CONSTANT AWARENESS OF SEVERAL VACANT TABLES, THAT REMAINED VACANT FOR THE ENTIRETY OF OUR VISIT. 
DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

You are guaranteed not to find a similar experience elsewhere in Taiwan. Well, you will find awkwardness, but there probably won't be cheesy squid.

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✧   

Reasonable, considering it included both a meal and a show.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

Come for the amazing food, stay for the comedy of errors!

1. Dear Future Duncan, please don't perform a Google search for "smoking latex" on the work computer during work time. Your nemesis, Past Duncan.²

2. Shit, my thoughts have footnotes now? Thoughts nested within thoughts like a matryoshka doll filled with bees. And bees filled with acarine mites. And acarine mites filled with Wolbachia. And Wolbachia filled with phage WO. And phage WO filled with tiny nanobees.