Plus (+) Pizza

台北市中正區羅斯福路四段24巷5號

02 2365 1929

A Review in the Medium of YouTube Comments

YouTube! 

Nature's way of ensuring that no casual music lover ever need to pay for an artist's sustenance again, and for keeping some of the worst of society under voluntary house arrest. 

Duncan may be so old that he associates YouTube with an old-timey device¹ for the artificial insemination of sheep, but Avalon, despite also growing up as a country bumpkin, is young enough to not only know what a "YouTube" is, but to have also used the platform to launch a successful career as a country singer. (You may remember her best-selling hit, "If I Said 'You Just Don't Understand American Culture, This Song Isn't Deeply Racist and Sexist, It's Just Suggesting that Maybe American Women Could Consider Dating American Men, And It's True That British Men Only Come to America to Sleep Around' Would You Hold It Against Me").  

As Avalon is unable to make any more videos while she remains trapped in Duncan's basement, our glamorous hosts have decided to get their fix of blistering personal attacks by scrawling their review of Plus (+) Pizza entirely in faux YouTube comments. So please, beloved reader, get hyped and then get disappointed, as we plunge, Descensus Christi ad Inferos-style, into comment section Hell! 

1. Introduced by the Mad Lord Briarface.

Sushi Express

台北市大安區復興南路二段191號

02 2709 9117

The almost immediately outdated pop culture reference edition

CIVIL WAR

QUIP-TAIN AMERICA                                        VERSUS                                                   IRONY MAN

As part of Avalon's grand plan to start reviewing everything she sees (her own reflection, dreams, strangers' butts/bums), our bumbling protagonists bumbled in prosaic agony into one of the many, many Sushi Express outlets dotted around the planet. In a desperate attempt to motoriz/se a resolutely pedestrian review of a devoutly skateboarding establishment, our dear hosts will compete for your affections and/or to the death.  

--- Round One ---

FIGHT!

Stationary cup of tea vs. bowl of miso soup is a metaphor for our fighting styles.

Mandarin Proficiency

"Well Dave, I think this outcome is pretty cut-and-dried. Duncan's no threat to the champ."

"You're right Davetwo, we wouldn't even see this kind of matchup outside of today's exhibition fight. You got to hand it to the kid though, I have never seen anyone get humiliated so badly so many times without quitting or learning how to dodge a question. You got to admit, that's special." 

"A special type of stupid perhaps, Dave."

"Probably a cultural thing, Davetwo. I know that 1776 happened and, for better or worse, 'winning' is okay now, but we just can't do that in the UK. Tall poppies and whatnot cheerio pip pip wink wink eggy in a basket."

"No comment, Dave, no comment... Wait, here comes the waitress! She's asking if they want miso soup, and Avalon is relaying the question to Duncan."

"No surprises there Davetwo, this will be over in a few minutes."

"Duncan's already substituted a second tone for a third tone, Dave. Some customers are leaving, they think it's all over..."

"It is now, Davetwo! Avalon was distracted by Duncan's incompetence and has repeated his tonal mistake!"

...DOUBLE KNOCKOUT!!

--- Round Two ---

FIGHT!

FUN FACT! Duncan has this image tattoo'd on his chest. 

Anecdotes

"This is more like it, Dave! If both competitors are on top form, this should be a clash of the titans."

"In that one of them eats children, and the other has his appendix eaten on a daily basis?"

"To be honest, Dave, I have a really small reference pool. I just repeat things I hear. Cultural osmosis, you know?"

"No worries, Davetwo. And speaking of small reference pools, something something WWII, something something YouTube, something something Game of Thrones, something something fireflies?"

"Man, I love that song."

TECHNICAL KNOCKOUT --
AVALON WINS, BY POPULAR DEMAND!

--- Round Three ---
FIGHT!

omg...

...What the feck is this?

"Well Dave, it looks like the menu has not been updated in figuratively forever [approximately literally 18 months], in preparation for the final round today's triathlon of trivialities."

"Exciting stuff, Dave. Avalon has ordered Duncan to take the mystery sushi off the conveyor belt for inspection."

"And Duncan is tasting it now... His brow furrows as he desperately tries to taste without taste buds."

"Won't be too long before all of Duncan's senses fail him, and he's trapped with his own thoughts forever."

"That's a sobering thought, Davetwo. I don't know where I'd be without my ability to sense gravity."

"The mesosphere by now I'd imagine, Dave."

"Going to have to stop you there, Davetwo-- Avalon has also failed to place the sushi by taste, looks like another double knockout..."

"They're both in the clear! A more recent menu has swung around on the conveyor belt at the last second! Turns out the Japanese for 'pesto' is 'pesuto'. What a world we live in."

DRAW!

AVALON WINS

FINISH HIM!

[Duncan is mocked to death]

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧

The conveyor belt was overflowing with plates resting  precariously atop one another, like a long line of food-bearing dominoes, just waiting to topple onto Duncan's lap. There was almost the sense that the staff were eager to finish work as quickly as possible, an attitude unknown to industrious types like our heroes. Said heroes are generously only adding one star, mainly because their hopes were not high anyway. 

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✧✧

Well, again, it's kaiten sushi--one does not go for the snuggles. (This did not stop Duncan from trying.)

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✧✧

As far as Dunka-dunks can tell (about five yards in good light), the conveyor belt setup at Sushi Express has not substantially diverged from the original setup introduced in the 1950's. Let him know when he can order stuff on a wall-mounted iPad and have it delivered on a little turbo-charged boat.

PRETEN$ION: ✦✧✧   

There is a saying about getting what you pay for.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✧

...One could do worse (mesospheric praise).

Tino's Pizza

台北市信義區松高路11號 信義誠品B2

02 8789 2189

Aquiver with anticipation of getting their socks rocked by an afternoon viewing of The Jungle Book in 4DX (that is FOUR DIMENSIONS, mind you: x-, y-, z- and "fuck yeah"), our heroes went to while away the lunch hours at the first place they found when they couldn't find the first place they had been planning on finding but had not found.

The instant Avalon spied "peanut butter fries" on the menu, she knew that she was destined--through the power of her order--to bring them into the four dimensions and INTO HER BELLY. She was not disappointed! Neither was Duncan! As part of a "long-con" plan to compile the various aspects of Avalon's identity, murder her, then take her place as Grand Vizier of Americaland, he too is gradually becoming a peanut butter addict. Avalon is pleased. She has secret plans of her own.

Both of them are "playing it cool" for the moment though, so they shared a large order of duck pizza in a totally inconspicuous way, completely casually, like any two ordinary people on a mildly pleasant lunch date might do. Duncan gestured at the pizza as if to say, "My, what a comfortingly conventional food item! It clearly has no alterior motives, and isn't that a coincidence, because neither do I, especially not towards you."

The pizza looked pretty delicious when it arrived at the table, having achieved almost every color of the rainbow except for blue and violet and possibly indigo (if you count indigo). But alas! This pizza was all style and no substance, and actually quite bland.

Duncan was overwhelmed with disappointment. 

It's okay though, he got better. 

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✧✧

The staff were too busy to be weird to us.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✧✧

It's in a mall food court, so you get what you get I guess.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✧

The pizza is nothing new but praises be to the genius who decided to put peanut butter on french fries!!! However, our heroes discovered later that day that Ireland's Potato offers this heavenly manna as well, so maybe it's not as unique as all that.

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✧ 

It wasn't too terribly expensive, really.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✧

That bland sham of a pizza is worth one star, but, again, the fries saved it.

Maryjane Pizza

台北市大安區溫州街89號

02 2369 5333

SUPERB MERRIMENT QUIZ EDITION

Do not linger here. 

You fool, it is too late; he already knows your name.

Welcome friends, to another enchanting episode of "Right Along Taipei", Taiwan's third favurite (sic) English-language nonsensical food blog. As a means of thanking all three of our readers, we have included a special quiz in this review. Please don't forget to leave your answers in the comments, where somebody, some day, may give a shit.

Do not look behind you.

Our heroes' brief visit to a dilapidated insect electrophysiology lab ended in horror as a chance encounter with a micropipette puller triggered Duncan's repressed memories of his postgraduate career. Maddened with grief, Duncan retreated into the woods, pursued by Avalon and a team of experienced trackers. Only two people left the wood that night. They decided to go have pizza.

Q1: How do you spell entomology?

A: Etymology  

B: Brian  

See: Ee…en…tee…em…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, MY APPENDIX    

  The D: Yes, please  

Keep the lights on.

Avalon ordered the restaurant's signature pizza, while Duncan ordered a smoked salmon pizza. The consensus was that Maryjane's thin crust pizzas are delightful (the smoked salmon, in particular), but that the more traditional style served up at Zoca is preferable (albeit more expensive). Moreover, Duncan was left feeling hungry later (this was after finding himself stuck on a stationary bus in Nangang for twenty minutes as a flood wall was slowly moved across the street, but before he got home and realis/zed he no longer had his keys). 

Q2: How many light bulbs does it take to change Duncan?

1. Just one, if it loves him enough.  

2. None: he’s perfect just the way he is.

C. Two: one to cast light upon his sins, and one to lighten the path to redemption, HALLELUJAH  

5. Just one, if thrown with sufficient force.

Don't fall asleep.

The staff is/are¹ polite and friendly, and very committed to their menu puns and Dad jokes. Inspired by their example, Duncan has tried his hand at the venerable institution that is the 'yo mama' joke.²

Q3: Yo mama...

(壹) ...so fat that, when she went swimming, she was claimed as part of the inalienable territory of Vietnam, Taiwan, the Philippines, AND China?

(貳) ...so ugly that both the PRC and ROC deny they’re China when she tries to initiate “diplomatic” relations?

(參)...so stupid she thought the Cultural Revolution was a particularly refined Ferris wheel?

(肆) ...so old that Beijing claims she has been part of China since “ancient times”?

It's time to tot up your scores! For each "A" answer, gain 12 points. For each "B" answer, gain -3 points. For each "C" answer, lose π points. For each "D" answer, lose -∞ points.


Negative infinity to zero: Stalker much?
Zero to 107,438: You are usually content to remain in the background, but sometimes have an urge to be the centre/er of attention. Your favrite (sic) things in life include crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you, and spending a warm summer's afternoon enjoying a picnic with your loved ones. 
107,438 - <∞: Threesome?

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧

Given a two just for the menu descriptions.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧

A smidgen too noisy - Avalon had to be re-calibrated twice.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✧

Duncan wasn't even aware that chocolate pizzas existed. He sometimes hears sounds from outside the basement, but covers his ears until they stop.

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✧ 

The prices are more than reasonable. Reasonestble.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✧

Value for money [SEE ABOVE], but we definitely preferred Zoca. And our OCD compels us to give at least one restaurant a two for "taste". Forgive us, we know not what we do.

1. A small concession to our British readers and their loyalty to plural verb agreement.

2. Duncan would like to emphasis/ze that he loves all your mamas, and hopes to see them again soon.

3 Idiots Toast & Curry

台北市大安區羅斯福路三段283巷28號

02 2369 9966

Exhausted, hurried, and very very wet, our two heroes sought shelter from the pouring rain in some random shack that until very recently had served vegetarian wood-fired pizza with a side of poisoning-the-surrounding-community-with-wood-smoke. Life is strange, dear readers, for that beloved local establishment has now become a vegetarian grilled-cheese-with-curry-on type dealio, also offering a selection of tasty Indian-inspired appetiz/sers.

Un petit apertif-- the three idiots in question?

Avalon tried to foodsplain her appetizer of choice to Duncan, having assumed, with some unconventional logic, that he would be as unfamiliar with samosas as he had been with mimosas. Duncan was extremely triggered, but kept a stiff upper lip. (He's British, if you hadn't noticed, which I BET YOU WOULD.)

Eggplanty curry toasty with extra rainy

 "Consternation in Patato Pea"

"The Aftermath"

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧

The staff was not Taiwanese, so some awkwardness may have occurred if our heroes' English conversations were overheard: they debated whether or not to patronize the establishment, then walked off, then came back, then talked at length about sensitive racial issues in a hopefully-not-that-racist way (???). Duncan is probably safe, however, as no one can understand what he says anyway.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧

Open air, but surprisingly not rainy! And the table was covered in hemp, which was nice.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

Avalon did not even know this food item existed. 

PRETEN$ION: ✦✧✧ 

The prices were shockingly low!!! 150NTD for a giant toasty?!? YES PLZ.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

Quite possibly the tastiest place to date.

Taipei City Hospital Zhongxiao Branch

台北市南港區同德路87號

02 2786 1288

Never let it be said, gentle reader, that we are less than 100% committed to providing you with a disturbingly comprehensive assessment of Taipei's many fine eating establishments. To get the lowdown on the food available to Taipei's hospital inpatients, Duncan contracted appendicitis, and then sent a series of increasingly dire and desperate messages to Avalon, documenting his rapid physical and mental decline.   

Must...live tweet...my own...death...

In a final act of defiance against his host's plans to leave Taiwan, Duncan's appendix ruptured, thereby allowing it to stay in the country forever as a series of cryosection slides. Breakups are oft painful, and this divorce was no exception - Duncan's primordial howls of pain could only be silenced through the delivery of copious amounts of morphine.  "No wonder the British East India Company had so many satisfied customers in Taiwan," droned Duncan, nationalism (and opiates) filling his remaining organs. "Everyone likes effete drug-dealing pirates."   

There's nothing quite like bowel surgery for working up an appetite

Lost in a haze of morphine and deeply inappropriate jokes, Duncan thought back to Food Critique 101...

FADE IN:

INT. LECTURE HALL.

DUNCAN, a young man of about twenty years, is sat toward the back of the lecture hall, and using this vantage point to stare gormlessly into space. Sat next to him is AVALON, an anachronistic and anatopic middle school student. 

AVALON: 

Christ, you're old.

DUNCAN: 

[noticing her for the first time]

 Wait, how and why and when are you here? This doesn't make sense on any level... 

[he trails off as the lecture begins]

LECTURER: 

Welcome to Food Critique 101. Before we make a start, I really need to ensure that all of you on this course can actually eat food - we had some unpleasant accidents in previous years...

AVALON: 

[triggered] 

DUNCAN:

 [interjecting] 

I thought this was supposed to be a safe space for everyone!

FADE OUT:

Duncan regained consciousness, his eyes fixed on the tray of congee and vegetables on the table next to the bed opposite his. It would be four more days before solid matter would pass his tonsils, a fact as unpleasant as this sentence sounds.

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✦

Not sure where to start, to be honest. Perhaps the part where fluid drainage after surgery caused my meat and two veg to swell up like overfilled water balloons and I had to tearfully explain the situation? They didn't mention that in the brochure.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✧✧

The adjustable hospital bed almost made up for the pain, the lack of privacy, and the long nights. Almost.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

One of the few places in town you can get the opiates. 

PRETEN$ION: [with health insurance] ✦✧✧ [without health insurance] ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦

The financial cost was dwarfed by the emotional cost.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✧✧

The morphine dreams more than made up for four days on a drip followed by food blander than Duncan's comic patter.

KGB Kiwi Gourmet Burgers

台北市大安區師大路114巷5號

02 2363 6015

Having once again staunchly rejected Duncan's Modest Proposal to eat at a local kindergarten, Avalon and her funny-talking Sasquatch butler were forced to dine on less communicative sentients (walnuts and chickens, respectively) at Kiwi Gourmet Burgers.

  

Is he body popping? WTF is going on here?

American Gothic.

One of us pronounces this word in a funny way.¹


The eternal dilemma: protect my vital organs, or get an even tan?

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✧✧

Notwithstanding the presence of Duncan, the background levels of awkwardness were actually very low.  

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✦

"Well, the patio area is delightful with its cushioned seats, the staff are very low-key, and there's a great deal of space between tables inside - I'm going to give it full marks for snuggliness," lamented Duncan.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

It's a kiwi burger restaurant that sells excellent vegetarian burgers and various types of cheese burger and one burger with pineapple and beet(root) on and burger burger burger burger burger burger

PRETEN$$ION: ✦✦✧

burger burger burger

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

burger 

1. And by "this word," I mean "every word." And by "in a funny way," I mean "completely fucking wrong." And by "one of us," I mean "Duncan, obviously."

Zoca Pizza

台北市臨江街149號

02 2707 2212

Having, after much debate, opted not to kill and eat the most redundant member of their hiking party¹, three weary travelers appeared on the doorstep of Zoca Pizza seeking pizza-y refuge. Little did they know what treasures awaited them!²

 Lo! An eggplanty sausagey feast--!

Gods! Could it be? Olives AND anchovies?!?

The highlight of Duncan's day was the table's slow, collective realissszzzation that the two Brits were eating pizza with a knife and fork, while the sole Americat was eating hers with her hands. Such a beautiful cross-cultural moment justified his extended sojourn in Taiwan. 

Hey, isn't that the pizza that got a-salted on the MRT?

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✧✧

Foreigner run, and extremely foreigner friendly.
SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧
I dunno if it's the acoustics or what but man it does get a bit loud in there sometimes.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

Where else in Taipei can you get real Italian pizza made by real presumably-Italian people???

PRETEN$$$ION: ✦✦✦

Yeah I mean if you're gonna eat a whole pizza like that it will cost you a few simoleons...

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

1. Duncan maintains that we only really need one YouTube celebrity, and that YouTube subscriber count is not a valid metric of a person's value to society.³

2. Avalon saved an elderly man from drowning, and was rewarded with a sixteenth century Japanese toothpick dispenser, rumo(u)red to be possessed by the spirit of an eighteen-year-old Richard Nixon. Chris's future self handed his former self an enchanted vanity mirror, which reveals what the beholder would look like if they were wearing a fedora. Duncan cheated in a carnival game, winning a puzzle box that, once solved, transports the bearer to a parallel universe in which everyone suspects that everyone else knows they're super high. Also: pizza. 

3. Said by the man who will be presented with a "Participation Award" by Saint Peter at the Pearly gates.