NCIS Sushi

台北市大安區忠孝東路四段216巷27弄4號

02 2721 6952

CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN FOODVENTURE 
- Part I -

1. You spot a wild Duncan on the MRT. He is as yet unaware of your presence. Do you--

A. Molest him quietly from behind (PROCEED TO CHOICE 2)

B. Run away and cry (END GAME, QUITE RACISTLY)

C. Watch him silently (PROCEED TO CHOICE 3)

2. Duncan responds with enthusiasm! A bold move on his part, since you just as well might have been a pickpocket, or some lonely auntie looking for love. Anyway! Where do you go for dinner?

A. American-style sushi (PROCEED TO CHOICE 4)

B. Japanese-style burgers (SKIP TO PART II)

C. bleep bloop [battery full] (PROCEED TO CHOICE 14)

3. Duncan proceeds up the escalator as you watch from below. Suddenly, the auntie standing behind him trips and falls forward, and you can only watch in horror as Duncan, mistaking her for you, moves to embrace her. The auntie's screams echo through the station, and Duncan's bows and plaintive cries of 'paiseh', recorded by a dozen phones, are not enough to save him from the wrath of the internet mob. The tendrils of the human flesh search engine swing into action, and Duncan is arrested and charged with sexual harassment the very next day. Duncan's tearful "confession" (possibly? It was incomprehensible in any language) and the ensuing media circus launch a thousand online discussions, and the internet court of public opinion finds him guilty of treason, sentence: death. You try to use your connections to have his sentence commuted to lifelong military service on Kinmen, but it is not enough; the crowd cheers as Duncan's head and shoulders part ways. You go home and start writing a script for a response video.    

SUCH IS LIFE IN GLORIOUS REPUBLIC OF CHINA

END GAME

4. You enter NCIS Sushi, and are greeted by the most bored waiter on the planet Earth. Instantly overwhelmed by proximity ennui, you stare bleakly at the menu. Do you--
A. Drown your existential sorrows in some fun bubbly sake (PROCEED TO CHOICE 5)
B. Compose a monograph on the human condition (SKIP TO L'ETRANGER BY ALBERT CAMUS)
C. Numb the pain of this pointless struggle with spicy edamame (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
D. End it all, slitting your throat from the inside with razor-sharp fried fish skin (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

5. Well, gee! This is not so bad, really, you think to yourself, downing several glasses in a row as Duncan opens up a conversation about World War II. He slowly escalates into foaming incoherence, until you can only make out the occasional noun such as "boat" or "Japan." You start picturing him in a variety of funny hats, wearing silly uniforms with dangly bits on the shoulders; in your mind's eye, War Re-enactment Duncan crouches in a foxhole and eats beans on toast. Time for the main dish!

A. Sushi topped with mushrooms watered with angel tears (PROCEED TO CHOICE 9)

B. This suspiciously inexpensive truffly sushi thing (PROCEED TO CHOICE 10)

6. You imagine the edamame beans to be little round green people all snuggled up together in pod-shaped sleeping bags, and you are become Godzirra, destroyer of dreams, ripping them from their happy twosomes and threesomes to satisfy your own selfish hunger. It's pretty good, but the pepper makes you cough.

A. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously (SKIP TO SOME LIGHT READING ON THE TOPIC OF SYNTAX)

B. Continue to tempt death with some razor-sharp fried fish skin (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)

C. Eat the only other green things on the table (PROCEED TO CHOICE 13)

7. You totally die & r totally ded, but it is a happy death, cuz these fish bits were pretty tasty.

RIP your mouth.

END GAME

8. Something has changed. You have a nagging feeling that you shouldn't be here, that you have somehow transcended the laws of the physical universe. As Duncan drones on about nothing, you start to become aware of atoms continually joining and departing his increasingly vague corporeal form, by now a loose collection of molecules that sits shimmering before you. You realis/ze that nothing has changed, it was always thus. You can see the path of each atom through time, their origin and destination forming a single unbroken chain that snakes through the universe. Everything is preordained, effect leading naturally from cause. As you shed your physical shell, you are released from the burdens of emotion and thought, and are now free to dispassionately witness the continual death and rebirth of the universe. 
Duncan walks in and asks if you have Belgian buns in America.
THE END (IS AN ILLUSION)

9. With the bugle calls of the Heavenly Host echoing in your skull, you tentatively deliver a single piece of sushi to your mouth. All at once, you are struck with the sensation of God's own tongue being forced into your mouth, with scant concern for boundaries. The Creator's muscular taste organ pulsates with Pantheran power, and is yet as loving as a lamb with your lymphoid tissue. The whole experience leaves you quite flushed.

Time to advance the plot, such as it is! 

A. Glance to your right? (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)

B. Pay up and leave... This whole premise is getting pretty tired. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 12)

10. This one isn't bad, I guess? The cheese is nice, but there's a bit too much of it, now you come to think about it. And is it even cheese or some kind of cheese substitute? The whole experience is adequate. You look up and spy God drunkenly flirting with some woman at the next table. That's fine. It's all fine. EVERYTHING'S FUCKING FINE. 

Convince Duncan that nothing is wrong, by--

A. Continuing to eat in an infinite loop of mediocrity (PROCEED TO CHOICE 10)

B. Stuffing your face in silence, avoiding eye contact (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)

C. Getting up and leaving without a word. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 12)

11. Shit, why did you not notice today's special offer on beer until now? You could have had unlimited beer (provided you didn't exceed four glasses, as described in the largest fine print you've ever seen)! As you can't have reached this section without having already drunk several glasses of sake, you feel compelled to give the beer a miss, lest you sleep all afternoon. 

A. ... (PROCEED, WITH RESIGNED DISAPPOINTMENT, TO CHOICE 12)

12. You and Duncan mince daintily/lurch resentfully over to the counter, depending on your state(s) of mind.¹ Neither hopeful smiles nor angry glares are enough to stir the waiters from their apathetic slumber, and you start to consider leaving without paying, and becoming a full-time miscreant. But alas, as you are contemplating Duncan's violent, bullet-induced death, a waiter finally emerges, and money changes hands. 

WELL DONE, YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY WON THE HEART OF DUNCAN

MAYBE YOU CAN STICK IT IN A JAR NEXT TO HIS APPENDIX

END GAME

13. You dare Duncan to eat the wasabi and lemon lime,² little knowing that he'd ACTUALLY BLEEDIN' DO IT, PEEL AND ALL, THE MENTALIST. Frightened by your own powers of persuasion, you head to the bathroom and climb out of the window. Following a fateful encounter with a dumpster, you become "General Rubbish", committed to fighting crime and shitty TV through the power of mentalism. 

THE WORLD IS YOURS

END GAME

14. SYSTEM ERROR
THE HUMANS ARE DEAD

END GAME

AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧

But seriously, what an interesting service style!

Also once I splattered raw egg all over the walls and ceiling...

(Long story, and one that I hope no one else will remember.)³

That being said, I still feel comfortable coming here so yeah.

SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✦

There are always seats, and it's not a bad place to sit.

DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦

Bringing an American treasure back to its Asian roots. Sushiception!

PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✦

In America, even the prices are big! Around $10 per roll, in fact.

THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦

It doesn't really taste like sushi, but it sure does taste good.

1. Calculated using the free 'moodometer wheel' glued to your keyboard with the arrival of this month's issue of "Right Along Taipei".

2. Seriously Duncan what the fuck

3. Jesus, Avs, not everyone is thinking about you all the time.