02 2363 8009
LEMONRICK EDITION
There once was a pair from Taipei
Quite in need of a nice holiday
They looked up flight prices
And decided, post-crises
To eat all their feelings away
Friday, 13 May 2016
Thursday, 5 May 2016
Uncles Taiwan
台北市大安區光復南路260巷31號
The beautiful awkwardness of their recent trip to "Uncles" left our two protagonists, (W)right by name and right by nature, in a bit of a quandary - how best to convey the whole wince-inducing experience in their little Encyclopædia Ineptica? After agonis/zing arguments, Anglo-America's autophobic auteurs arrived at an appropriate answer: what could be more embarrassing than presenting the review in the form of Duncan's internal monologue? We hope that you enjoy the vicarious humiliation on offer today.
[And yes, imaginary reader, Duncan's stream of consciousness IS punctuated - he doesn't so much "hear" it, as see it scroll past his mind's eye, like a televisual news ticker.]
MBER TO BUY EGGS...WHAT IF I WERE TO DIE RIGHT NOW?...OH GOD, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT
02 8771 8097
READ THROUGH YOUR FINGERS EDITION
The beautiful awkwardness of their recent trip to "Uncles" left our two protagonists, (W)right by name and right by nature, in a bit of a quandary - how best to convey the whole wince-inducing experience in their little Encyclopædia Ineptica? After agonis/zing arguments, Anglo-America's autophobic auteurs arrived at an appropriate answer: what could be more embarrassing than presenting the review in the form of Duncan's internal monologue? We hope that you enjoy the vicarious humiliation on offer today.
[And yes, imaginary reader, Duncan's stream of consciousness IS punctuated - he doesn't so much "hear" it, as see it scroll past his mind's eye, like a televisual news ticker.]
MBER TO BUY EGGS...WHAT IF I WERE TO DIE RIGHT NOW?...OH GOD, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT
TRIGGER WARNING: objectification
Would I be more attracted to Avalon's face with Jiro Wang's body,
or Jiro Wang's face with Avalon's body?
or Jiro Wang's face with Avalon's body?
"Well, we found the restaurant without too much difficulty, so that's something. Definitely at least one thing. This all looks very classy. There's a waiter! I guess... Why is he just staring at us? Okay, Avalon's asked for a table for two... and we can't have one because there's a booking for all of the empty tables at 6:30pm, despite it only being 5:20pm now? God, I really don't know, I wish everyone spoke with Chinese subtitles like on the TV. Or everyone spoke in the exact same voice. Maybe everyone could have my voice, that'd be pretty sexy! A bit weird, though.
Duncan's Life Tips:
1) Nightly wet dreams getting you down?
Try masturbating!
"Avalon's so smart, I should interject so she knows I'm following what she's saying. But what if it comes across as mansplaining? I should just look concerned. Nope, that's too concerned, break eye contact! Don't look down there, you moron! Quick, change the topic by ordering something. Avalon's right, the cheesy calamari hot pot looks amazing, and I'd like a Kirin beer sorbet. Okay, so we've been informed we can't have the beer sorbet... but we can have the regular beer? Well, that's fine... Wait, it's the dark beer that's not available, not the beer sorbet per se, so I can have the beer sorbet? Great. Glad we cleared that up.
Duncan's Life Tips:
2) Impress women with your smurts by explaining their own lives to them!
"Is that the same K-Pop music video on a continual loop? I have no idea, and I'm concerned that makes me a racist. I should pay more attention so I seem informed. Wait, what was Avalon talking about while I was watching ladies gyrate for ten minutes? Danger, danger!! Thank gods, here's the waiter again, to give us the bill. And now... he's just standing there? Does he want us to pay before eating? No, he was just having a rest.
Duncan's Life Tips:
3) There is nothing wrong with being homosexual. Unfortunately, it is prudent to avoid coming across as gay because (i) of the social stigma in some circles, and because (ii) you're 95% sure you're not gay. At the same time, you do not want to appear homophobic. As such, cultivate just the right amount of homophilia by appearing interested, but not too interested, when friends make you view YouTube videos starring the campest man alive.
"Thank crap, the food is here! This will definitely decrease the possibility of me saying something embarrassing by at least 35%. Oh shit, I should take a photo? I'm really lucky that Avalon pays attention to the outside world so I'm free to stay trapped in this cavern of my own reverberating thoughts. Let's see if I can make fumbling for my camera look cool. Apparently not, but it's the thought that counts. The fupp? The awkward waiter giveth, and the awkward waiter hath taketh away our meal because he suddenly realis/z(?)ed it's not ours? He's lucky that I'm not a dog with food aggression... Oh, you're sorry? YOU WILL BE.
Duncan's Life Tips:
4) Dating a celebrity? The general consensus is that you should be low-key, and provide love and stability. BUT have you considered going full Yoko Ono, and charging into the lemonlight? By selflessly drawing the hatred of the general public upon your own back, your partner will be spared the worst of their barbs!
"Did the one waiter just ask the other if he's prepared the drink correctly? I wouldn't have thought there was a great deal of leeway error when it comes to sticking sorbet in beer. Well, here are our drinks at least? Nothing like drinking to make you look cool. Well, maybe smoking, I guess? But how to get tobacco products? My eyesight's not good enough to read the labels from behind the counter, and I can't just ask for the blurry blue cigarettes. It's unbearable when it takes the cashier ten minutes to work out what I want because I'm asking for cigarettes but pointing at condoms. Probably shouldn't smoke latex.1 You just stick with your Kirin beer sorbet, Duncan. Ahhhh, that's refreshing, and momentarily makes me forget all of my failings. And it also gives me confidence that if I merely redouble my efforts, I'll soon be able to master all disciplines known to man and God, and I, too, will be worthy of love. The waiter's back again?! What have we done now? Oh, he's just decided to awkwardly hand Avalon a straw to go with the drink that was delivered one rambling paragraph ago.
Duncan's Life Tips:
5) If you have an active lifestyle, get into the habit of keeping a few potassium-rich bananas on your person at all times. This will help your friends rationalis/ze away any of your inopportune erections.
"And finally dinner is served! Not sure if it's just a ruse, though. We should probably wait five minutes to make sure the waiters don't come back to tell us that we need to like their Facebook fan page before we can eat, or that they accidentally chopped off their heads and served them to us. Human head or no, this is fantastic - I'm probably going to have to explain it through tenuous literary allusion: 'It's like the Nautilus was made of cheese, and it defeated a shoal of giant squid with a hot oil pump, and also the Atlantic Ocean was spicier, and I am Captain Nemo and I eat everyone. The End.' Well, this food definitely made up for the awkwardness... Just got to pay and get out the door without showing myself up with my shitty Mandarin. Annnnnd... What? Never mind. I am a latter-day Sisyphus, but less self-aware."
Duncan's Life Tips:
6) There are few things as embarrassing as a nosebleed on a date. If/when this happens, explain that your nosebleed is a visual metaphor for your sexual arousal. Congratulations: you are now a poet, and guaranteed to get laid!
Duncan's Life Tips:
7) Have only ten seconds to learn to dance? Try becoming a member of a less-privileged ethnic group/gender/sexuality! Realis/ze that positive stereotypes are also harmful, and that your lack of dance skills are contributing to the problem.
AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦
Duncan experienced vicarious embarrassment for the first time in his life (he's more au fait with personal embarrassment). The experience has been given one additional star for each awkward incident.
SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧
Not awful, but it was not easy to eat spicy cheese-covered calamari when sat at a bar, ESPECIALLY WITH THE CONSTANT AWARENESS OF SEVERAL VACANT TABLES, THAT REMAINED VACANT FOR THE ENTIRETY OF OUR VISIT.
DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦
DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦
You are guaranteed not to find a similar experience elsewhere in Taiwan. Well, you will find awkwardness, but there probably won't be cheesy squid.
PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✧
Reasonable, considering it included both a meal and a show.
THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦
Come for the amazing food, stay for the comedy of errors!
1. Dear Future Duncan, please don't perform a Google search for "smoking latex" on the work computer during work time. Your nemesis, Past Duncan.2
2. Shit, my thoughts have footnotes now? Thoughts nested within thoughts like a matryoshka doll filled with bees. And bees filled with acarine mites. And acarine mites filled with Wolbachia. And Wolbachia filled with phage WO. And phage WO filled with tiny nanobees.
Monday, 2 May 2016
NCIS Sushi
台北市大安區忠孝東路四段216巷27弄4號
02 2721 6952
4. You enter NCIS Sushi, and are greeted by the most bored waiter on the planet Earth. Instantly overwhelmed by proximity ennui, you stare bleakly at the menu. Do you--
A. Drown your existential sorrows in some fun bubbly sake (PROCEED TO CHOICE 5)
B. Compose a monograph on the human condition (SKIP TO L'ETRANGER BY ALBERT CAMUS)
C. Numb the pain of this pointless struggle with spicy edamame (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
D. End it all, slitting your throat from the inside with razor-sharp fried fish skin (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)
8. Something has changed. You have a nagging feeling that you shouldn't be here, that you have somehow transcended the laws of the physical universe. As Duncan drones on about nothing, you start to become aware of atoms continually joining and departing his increasingly vague corporeal form, by now a loose collection of molecules that sits shimmering before you. You realis/ze that nothing has changed, it was always thus. You can see the path of each atom through time, their origin and destination forming a single unbroken chain that snakes through the universe. Everything is preordained, effect leading naturally from cause. As you shed your physical shell, you are released from the burdens of emotion and thought, and are now free to dispassionately witness the continual death and rebirth of the universe.
Duncan walks in and asks if you have Belgian buns in America.
THE END (IS AN ILLUSION)
10. This one isn't bad, I guess? The cheese is nice, but there's a bit too much of it, now you come to think about it. And is it even cheese or some kind of cheese substitute? The whole experience is adequate. You look up and spy God drunkenly flirting with some woman at the next table. That's fine. It's all fine. EVERYTHING'S FUCKING FINE.
14. SYSTEM ERROR
THE HUMANS ARE DEAD
CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN FOODVENTURE
- Part I -
- Part I -
1. You spot a wild Duncan on the MRT. He is as yet unaware of your presence. Do you--
A. Molest him quietly from behind (PROCEED TO CHOICE 2)
B. Run away and cry (END GAME, QUITE RACISTLY)
C. Watch him silently (PROCEED TO CHOICE 3)
2. Duncan responds with enthusiasm! A bold move on his part, since you just as well might have been a pickpocket, or some lonely auntie looking for love. Anyway! Where do you go for dinner?
A. American-style sushi (PROCEED TO CHOICE 4)
B. Japanese-style burgers (SKIP TO PART II)
C. bleep bloop [battery full] (PROCEED TO CHOICE 14)
3. Duncan proceeds up the escalator as you watch from below. Suddenly, the auntie standing behind him trips and falls forward, and you can only watch in horror as Duncan, mistaking her for you, moves to embrace her. The auntie's screams echo through the station, and Duncan's bows and plaintive cries of 'paiseh', recorded by a dozen phones, are not enough to save him from the wrath of the internet mob. The tendrils of the human flesh search engine swing into action, and Duncan is arrested and charged with sexual harassment the very next day. Duncan's tearful "confession" (possibly? It was incomprehensible in any language) and the ensuing media circus launch a thousand online discussions, and the internet court of public opinion finds him guilty of treason, sentence: death. You try to use your connections to have his sentence commuted to lifelong military service on Kinmen, but it is not enough; the crowd cheers as Duncan's head and shoulders part ways. You go home and start writing a script for a response video.
SUCH IS LIFE IN GLORIOUS REPUBLIC OF CHINA
END GAME
4. You enter NCIS Sushi, and are greeted by the most bored waiter on the planet Earth. Instantly overwhelmed by proximity ennui, you stare bleakly at the menu. Do you--
A. Drown your existential sorrows in some fun bubbly sake (PROCEED TO CHOICE 5)
B. Compose a monograph on the human condition (SKIP TO L'ETRANGER BY ALBERT CAMUS)
C. Numb the pain of this pointless struggle with spicy edamame (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
D. End it all, slitting your throat from the inside with razor-sharp fried fish skin (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)
5. Well, gee! This is not so bad, really, you think to yourself, downing several glasses in a row as Duncan opens up a conversation about World War II. He slowly escalates into foaming incoherence, until you can only make out the occasional noun such as "boat" or "Japan." You start picturing him in a variety of funny hats, wearing silly uniforms with dangly bits on the shoulders; in your mind's eye, War Re-enactment Duncan crouches in a foxhole and eats beans on toast. Time for the main dish!
A. Sushi topped with mushrooms watered with angel tears (PROCEED TO CHOICE 9)
B. This suspiciously inexpensive truffly sushi thing (PROCEED TO CHOICE 10)
6. You imagine the edamame beans to be little round green people all snuggled up together in pod-shaped sleeping bags, and you are become Godzirra, destroyer of dreams, ripping them from their happy twosomes and threesomes to satisfy your own selfish hunger. It's pretty good, but the pepper makes you cough.
A. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously (SKIP TO SOME LIGHT READING ON THE TOPIC OF SYNTAX)
B. Continue to tempt death with some razor-sharp fried fish skin (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)
C. Eat the only other green things on the table (PROCEED TO CHOICE 13)
7. You totally die & r totally ded, but it is a happy death, cuz these fish bits were pretty tasty.
RIP your mouth.
END GAME
Duncan walks in and asks if you have Belgian buns in America.
THE END (IS AN ILLUSION)
9. With the bugle calls of the Heavenly Host echoing in your skull, you tentatively deliver a single piece of sushi to your mouth. All at once, you are struck with the sensation of God's own tongue being forced into your mouth, with scant concern for boundaries. The Creator's muscular taste organ pulsates with Pantheran power, and is yet as loving as a lamb with your lymphoid tissue. The whole experience leaves you quite flushed.
Time to advance the plot, such as it is!
A. Glance to your right? (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)
B. Pay up and leave... This whole premise is getting pretty tired. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 12)
10. This one isn't bad, I guess? The cheese is nice, but there's a bit too much of it, now you come to think about it. And is it even cheese or some kind of cheese substitute? The whole experience is adequate. You look up and spy God drunkenly flirting with some woman at the next table. That's fine. It's all fine. EVERYTHING'S FUCKING FINE.
Convince Duncan that nothing is wrong, by--
A. Continuing to eat in an infinite loop of mediocrity (PROCEED TO CHOICE 10)
B. Stuffing your face in silence, avoiding eye contact (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)
C. Getting up and leaving without a word. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 12)
11. Shit, why did you not notice today's special offer on beer until now? You could have had unlimited beer (provided you didn't exceed four glasses, as described in the largest fine print you've ever seen)! As you can't have reached this section without having already drunk several glasses of sake, you feel compelled to give the beer a miss, lest you sleep all afternoon.
A. ... (PROCEED, WITH RESIGNED DISAPPOINTMENT, TO CHOICE 12)
12. You and Duncan mince daintily/lurch resentfully over to the counter, depending on your state(s) of mind.1 Neither hopeful smiles nor angry glares are enough to stir the waiters from their apathetic slumber, and you start to consider leaving without paying, and becoming a full-time miscreant. But alas, as you are contemplating Duncan's violent, bullet-induced death, a waiter finally emerges, and money changes hands.
WELL DONE, YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY WON THE HEART OF DUNCAN
MAYBE YOU CAN STICK IT IN A JAR NEXT TO HIS APPENDIX
END GAME
13. You dare Duncan to eat the wasabi and lemon lime,2 little knowing that he'd ACTUALLY BLEEDIN' DO IT, PEEL AND ALL, THE MENTALIST. Frightened by your own powers of persuasion, you head to the bathroom and climb out of the window. Following a fateful encounter with a dumpster, you become "General Rubbish", committed to fighting crime and shitty TV through the power of mentalism.
THE WORLD IS YOURS
END GAME
14. SYSTEM ERROR
THE HUMANS ARE DEAD
END GAME
AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧
But seriously, what an interesting service style!
Also once I splattered raw egg all over the walls and ceiling...
(Long story, and one that I hope no one else will remember.)3
That being said, I still feel comfortable coming here so yeah.
SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✦
There are always seats, and it's not a bad place to sit.
DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦
Bringing an American treasure back to its Asian roots. Sushiception!
PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✦
In America, even the prices are big! Around $10 per roll, in fact.
THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦
It doesn't really taste like sushi, but it sure does taste good.
1. Calculated using the free 'moodometer wheel' glued to your keyboard with the arrival of this month's issue of "Right Along Taipei".
2. Seriously Duncan what the fuck
3. Jesus, Avs, not everyone is thinking about you all the time.
Sunday, 1 May 2016
Yamamoto
台北市大安區光復南路260巷1號
02 2711 3816
4. You order a glass of white wine, hoping that it will be better than the red wine from last time (and the appendectomy, from the time before that). In retrospect, Duncan prefers the red. WELL, Duncan clearly views the past through "rosé"-colored glasses, because actually both the red and the white were pretty bad. You nod along to his criticisms anyway, in a rare attempt at something akin to being supportive.
A. Ummm... drink more? (PROCEED TO CHOICE 5)
B. Order a goddamn burger already, Jesus Christ Mary and Joseph hallelujah (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
C. Order a secular burger, blessed by the Noodly Appendage of the FSM Himself (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)
6. The garlic burger comes with thick flakes of fragrant fried garlic and a generous heap of bright green chopped chives, all delicately piled atop a nice slice of lemon or lime or whatever that you definitely cannot eat, not even a little. Frankly stymied as to the logic involved in this arrangement, you scrape off the edible bits and toss the offending citrus to one side, putting out Duncan's left eye in the process. Your plate doesn't look nearly as nice anymore (and neither does Duncan), but at least you already took the pictures.
8. The miso soup is forgettable. Wait, why are you here again...?
10. The rice is fluffy and white, which is nice, but other colors of rice would also be nice. You don't discriminate. You wish there were more, but then again, you could have asked for more, for free, when you ordered. Soooooo...
11. The Great Duncan is of course all-knowing, but, unfortunately, he reveals the secrets of the universe to only a very lucky few... All the same, entitled solipsist that you are, you think that you might as well give it a try. Assuming the attitude of an intrepid 18th century naturalist explorer, you put your bag in the peer-pressure purse-basket, tie back your hair, roll up your sleeves, and spelunk into the blueblue pools of his wise eyes. All is insanity and you drown immediately.
A. END GAME (END GAME)
CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN FOODVENTURE
- Part II -
- Part II -
1. You two make such a good couple: a veritable pair of Matthew C. Perrys on a mission from Jesus and Buddha and all those other guys, to bring the great nations of America and Japan together in holy culinary matrimony. You bravely disembark on the shores of Yamamoto バーガー restaurant with your proverbial sextants still in hand, heads windswept, wenuses well-oiled, stomachs rumbling for some thick meaty servings of cross-cultural burger-lary.
A. Fuck that I'm gonna have some juice. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 2)
B. H- hold on a second! I fear the implications of cultural imperalism! (PROCEED TO CHOICE 3)
C. Humo(u)r the authors, and actually order something from the menu. (PROCEED TO CHOICE 4)
2. Huh? It's carrot juice.
END GAME
3. LOOKS LIKE IT'S BACK TO BERKELEY FOR YOU, YA COMMIE!!! DON'T LET THE CARROT JUICE HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT jesus christ people like you make me sick i swear to g-- (PROCEED TO CHOICE 2)
4. You order a glass of white wine, hoping that it will be better than the red wine from last time (and the appendectomy, from the time before that). In retrospect, Duncan prefers the red. WELL, Duncan clearly views the past through "rosé"-colored glasses, because actually both the red and the white were pretty bad. You nod along to his criticisms anyway, in a rare attempt at something akin to being supportive.
A. Ummm... drink more? (PROCEED TO CHOICE 5)
B. Order a goddamn burger already, Jesus Christ Mary and Joseph hallelujah (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
C. Order a secular burger, blessed by the Noodly Appendage of the FSM Himself (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)
5. You are pleased.
A. #^__^# (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
B. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)
B. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)
6. The garlic burger comes with thick flakes of fragrant fried garlic and a generous heap of bright green chopped chives, all delicately piled atop a nice slice of lemon or lime or whatever that you definitely cannot eat, not even a little. Frankly stymied as to the logic involved in this arrangement, you scrape off the edible bits and toss the offending citrus to one side, putting out Duncan's left eye in the process. Your plate doesn't look nearly as nice anymore (and neither does Duncan), but at least you already took the pictures.
A. Pair it with some rice (PROCEED TO CHOICE 10)
B. Steal a bite of the other burger (PROCEED TO CHOICE 7)
C. Team up with Duncan as he enters the next exciting stage of his increasingly nonsensical life, this time one of seafaring supervillianry (PROCEED TO THE ATLANTIC OCEAN)
7. This burger, one of the specialties of the establishment, is served in traditional Japamerican style with a side of plain spaghetti, and is topped with some sort of foamy eggy spit. A tomatoey broth is also involved. It is delicious, and you have no regrets.
A. Take a sip of the soup, cuz it was free, and soup (PROCEED TO CHOICE 8)
B. Steal a bite of the other burger (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
B. Steal a bite of the other burger (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6)
8. The miso soup is forgettable. Wait, why are you here again...?
A. Ask Duncan what year it is (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)
B. Ask Duncan on a dinner date (RECEED TO PART I)
C. Ask Duncan about the election (PROCEED TO CHOICE 9)
9. You will have to refine your question. I mean, hellooooo, not everyone cares as much about American politics as you do... Such an American abroad faux-pas, WOOOW.
A. Ask Duncan about the US presidential election of 2016 (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)
B. Ask Duncan about the growing election in your pants (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)
B. Ask Duncan on a dinner date (RECEED TO PART I)
C. Ask Duncan about the election (PROCEED TO CHOICE 9)
9. You will have to refine your question. I mean, hellooooo, not everyone cares as much about American politics as you do... Such an American abroad faux-pas, WOOOW.
A. Ask Duncan about the US presidential election of 2016 (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)
B. Ask Duncan about the growing election in your pants (PROCEED TO CHOICE 11)
10. The rice is fluffy and white, which is nice, but other colors of rice would also be nice. You don't discriminate. You wish there were more, but then again, you could have asked for more, for free, when you ordered. Soooooo...
A. Have some soup and think about what you've done (PROCEED TO CHOICE 8)
B. MOAR BURGER (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6, INITIATING AN INFINITE LOOP OF DELICIOUSNESS)
B. MOAR BURGER (PROCEED TO CHOICE 6, INITIATING AN INFINITE LOOP OF DELICIOUSNESS)
11. The Great Duncan is of course all-knowing, but, unfortunately, he reveals the secrets of the universe to only a very lucky few... All the same, entitled solipsist that you are, you think that you might as well give it a try. Assuming the attitude of an intrepid 18th century naturalist explorer, you put your bag in the peer-pressure purse-basket, tie back your hair, roll up your sleeves, and spelunk into the blueblue pools of his wise eyes. All is insanity and you drown immediately.
A. END GAME (END GAME)
2. Where did the general keep his armies? (PROCEED TO FOOTNOTE 1)
BAT. "Why rubbish, Master Wayne?" (PROCEED TO PART I, CHOICE 13)
⛵. BOAT BOAT BOAT (PROCEED TO CHOICE 1)
BAT. "Why rubbish, Master Wayne?" (PROCEED TO PART I, CHOICE 13)
⛵. BOAT BOAT BOAT (PROCEED TO CHOICE 1)
AWKWARDNESS: ✦✦✧
I hate that stupid purse basket. I have already put my purse on the ground, it is TOO LATE, I quite clearly do not care about its cleanliness and your nagging will not be enough to save either one of us. Plus another star for Duncan.
SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧
Loud again. Why are so many restaurants in Taipei so loud? :c
DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦
An Asian interpretation of classic American cuisine. バーガー!
PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✦
It's fancy, but consider the rice and miso soup lagniappes! Then Google the definition of lagniappe, because you can't actually use the word lagniappe without a tangent on the word itself, and, as a lagniappe, a tangent on the English language in general. You're welcome(?).
THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦
Why am I here again...? Oh yeah it's yummy.
1. In his sleevies!!!
Beer & Cheese Social House
台北市信義區基隆路二段117號
02 2737 1983
[In an last-ditch attempt to boost flagging readership, once popular food blog "Right Along Taipei" has been rebranded as an online magazine for the profitable "children from the ages of three to 23" demographic. The authors thank you for your continued support, and hope you all enjoy the new format.]
"WOW!" is what I said, when Avalon forcibly threw her laptop into my lap (forever ending my career as a professional sexer/sexee) to show me the latest issue of "Right Along Taipei"--we've truly outdone ourselves this time with the sheer amount of outrageous content!!!!! Depart this plane of men with a smile on by taking part in our new drinking game, learn some fun facts about us with which to impress your social worker, participate in our latest greatest bestest contest, and maybe even read a review if I remember to write it! More fun than a bag of kumquats in an ultracentrifuge!
fun facts!
Duncan's most outrageous act of heresy:
Duncan sometimes pretends to part automatic sliding doors like a sexier Moses.
Avalon's most outrageous act of heresy:
Avalon was responsible for the infamous "Avalon" translation of the Bible, in which every proper noun was translated as "Avalon".
fun facts!
Avalon is unable to survive the vacuum of space without socks.
Duncan knows π to 3.141? decimal places.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to look upon Duncan in the unforgiving light of day? Or ask Avalon to sign your nipples? Well, wonder no longer, troglodyte reader, for we are finally giving you the chance to have all of your illusions and expectations dashed upon the jagged rocks of reality! One lucky basement dweller will get to view Avalon and/or Duncan (or possibly their stunt doubles) from behind a bullet-proof window for a full EIGHT minutes! All you need to do is correctly answer the following question to enter the draw:
[In an last-ditch attempt to boost flagging readership, once popular food blog "Right Along Taipei" has been rebranded as an online magazine for the profitable "children from the ages of three to 23" demographic. The authors thank you for your continued support, and hope you all enjoy the new format.]
RiGH( t | ALoNG TaIPei
"WOW!" is what I said, when Avalon forcibly threw her laptop into my lap (forever ending my career as a professional sexer/sexee) to show me the latest issue of "Right Along Taipei"--we've truly outdone ourselves this time with the sheer amount of outrageous content!!!!! Depart this plane of men with a smile on by taking part in our new drinking game, learn some fun facts about us with which to impress your social worker, participate in our latest greatest bestest contest, and maybe even read a review if I remember to write it! More fun than a bag of kumquats in an ultracentrifuge!
XOXOXOXOXDXDXDXD
The Editors (Az and D-bag)
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The Editors (Az and D-bag)
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Duncan's most outrageous act of heresy:
Duncan sometimes pretends to part automatic sliding doors like a sexier Moses.
Avalon's most outrageous act of heresy:
Avalon was responsible for the infamous "Avalon" translation of the Bible, in which every proper noun was translated as "Avalon".
"Drink Yourself Cool" - The Game
Ever wished that you could be as cool as an Avalon, or failing that, as cool as a Duncan? Unfortunately, this is not possible, as the universe is a cruel and uncaring place.
BUT!
Now you can come close, without the need for costly and inconvenient hallucinogens and/or emotional disorders! Join our hosts in their beer and cheese adventure by drinking along at home whenever one of the following happens!
BUT!
Now you can come close, without the need for costly and inconvenient hallucinogens and/or emotional disorders! Join our hosts in their beer and cheese adventure by drinking along at home whenever one of the following happens!
Avalon orders a Watermelon Dorado IPA:
drink yourself happy
drink yourself happy
Duncan orders a Road Warrior IPA:
drink yourself hilarious
drink yourself hilarious
Avalon orders a pesto and cheddar cheese grilled sandwich:
drink until you start crying with joy at the sheer beauty of this sandwich
drink until you start crying with joy at the sheer beauty of this sandwich
Duncan orders a Dutch blue cheese grilled sandwich:
stop drinking you limey bastard, and enjoy this amazing sandwich and pickle
stop drinking you limey bastard, and enjoy this amazing sandwich and pickle
Avalon says something ironically racist:
take a sip for everyone in the room who has never heard of Poe's Law
take a sip for everyone in the room who has never heard of Poe's Law
Duncan says something racistly racist:
drink until suitably chastised
drink until suitably chastised
The barman makes a joke:
take a shot for every word Duncan failed to catch
take a shot for every word Duncan failed to catch
Avalon decides to go hiking:
drink until you can no longer feel your appendectomy scar
drink until you can no longer feel your appendectomy scar
Avalon is unable to survive the vacuum of space without socks.
Duncan knows π to 3.141? decimal places.
CONTEST-ICULAR CANCER
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to look upon Duncan in the unforgiving light of day? Or ask Avalon to sign your nipples? Well, wonder no longer, troglodyte reader, for we are finally giving you the chance to have all of your illusions and expectations dashed upon the jagged rocks of reality! One lucky basement dweller will get to view Avalon and/or Duncan (or possibly their stunt doubles) from behind a bullet-proof window for a full EIGHT minutes! All you need to do is correctly answer the following question to enter the draw:
Q: Avalon is to Duncan, as Sherlock Holmes is to:
1. John Watson
2. James Moriarty
3. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
4. Cocaine
4. Cocaine
TERMS AND CONDITIONS:
1. Contest submissions (to be addressed to "MRT guy, Taiwan") will be accepted from now until the heat death of the universe. A decision will be made after this date. Only one entry per contestant, but we're probably not going to check, so go nuts.
2. Winners must provide ALL of the following the day of the visit:
- Jiro Wang in a sexy maid costume;1
- Barbiturate-flavo(u)red ice cream;
- One Olympic-sized swimming pool containing the
golden ratio of chlorinated water to other people's urine
- One Olympic-sized swimming pool containing the
golden ratio of chlorinated water to other people's urine
3. The authors' decision is final. This is not a fucking democracy, christ.
TROUVER LES DIFFÉRENCES
Prove to your father that you are not a failure by finding all five differences between the two photos above! The answers are buried at the bottom of this page, right next to your father's moribund love and expectations.
fun facts!
Avalon is, in actual fact, a swarm of 8000 bees.
Duncan is invisible to ghosts, unless he is lightly coated with asbestos.
TROUVER LES DIFFÉRENCES -
Turn your phone/laptop/monitor upside down to read the answers!
Turn your phone/laptop/monitor upside down to read the answers!
uɐıןɐɹʇsn∀ ʍou sı ǝuoʎɹǝʌǝ puɐ ƃuıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ (ϛ
ʇuɐuƃǝɹd ʍou sı ןooʇs s,uɐɔunp (ㄣ
ןןǝɔ-ʎq-ןןǝɔ 'pǝɔɐןdǝɹ uǝǝq ǝʌɐɥ 'ɹǝpɐǝɹ ǝɥʇ noʎ (Ɛ
ǝpısuı pɐǝp sı uoןɐʌɐ (ᄅ
ɹɐǝu sʍɐɹp sןnos ɟo ɹǝdɐǝɹ ǝɥʇ (Ɩ
:oʇoɥd ɯoʇʇoq ǝɥʇ uI
AWKWARDNESS: ✦✧✧
Duncan was in his natural habitat, and so any awkwardness was replaced with sleek majesty as he navigated the pub with aplomb.
SNUGGLINESS: ✦✦✧
Not entirely the fault of the lovely staff or the presumably lovely proprietors, but the viking-themed party upstairs (especially the dude who got hold of a microphone and refused to let go, like a drunk Heimdall at Valhalla's weekly karaoke night) made our heroes' visit a bit of a trial. Particularly as both Avalon and Duncan have painful genetic memories of having their homelands pillaged and torched by Scandinavians.
DISRUPTIVITY: ✦✦✦
There is an enormous selection of delightful IPAs, which perfectly compliment the sandwiches on offer.
PRETEN$ION: ✦✦✧
Not bad for the wonderful food and environment.
THE fLaVO(u)Rz: ✦✦✦
Lush. Duncan is almost tempted to replace his glistening eightpack with a beer and cheese belly.
1. Someone, at some time, once said that we are the mean average of the five people we spend the most time with. Duncan, since becoming 80% Avalon, 20% pigeon, really wants to infect Jiro Wang with psittacosis.
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